Tell Your Story

A Game of Pain

2010-06-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

life is like a game
a game that causes pain
two people taken away from me
in a couple of months
now I wonder who's going
to be next within the next couple
of months
my head is spinning I can't
think straight
it feels like I've been put in
a straight jacket and taken away
I'm out of my dreams wishing I
could go back
now I'm in reality facing my biggest fear
so hostile and vicious
but so silent you wouldn't know it's here
it doesn't discriminate
it doesn't even care if you just turned eight
it's killing faster and faster
its name is cancer

25 Years

2010-06-14T05:15:00.001-07:00

I hear gun shot
I see gun shot
flicker on and off
in the middle of
battle I see my
future flicker on
and off in my
future I see myself
in jail behind
the bar 25 years
of pain and sorrow
but there is a chance
to change the outcome
in my future.

Energy

2010-06-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

rest
doesn't mean sleep
sleep is just falling
down a steep hill
through a dark tunnel
to another reality
rest
is your mind in a blank
your body has no motion
not even breath
so I hope to never rest
just to sleep
just to fall into my other realities
and let them fall into mine
let all of me, my other me's
rest at the same moment
and grow into
a willow tree

Intelligent Beast

2010-06-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

have you ever met an
intelligent beast
well now you have
that's why when I walk
the streets I don't wear a mask
but you know I keep the lama
don't smoke no camels
I'm with vandals that they minds is always
plotting scandals
lions tigers bears we never scared
we got arrows for sparrows
and you right we don't care
ya'll can't relate so ya'll be hatin
I'm patiently waitin for one
soul to make a sound
get em torched like Jason
why we like this they ask
look at our past they wouldn't
give it to us now we
chase after cash
and we get it and the devils hate it
so they want us confined
it's not a curse that we curse
we losing our mind
this is from someone who
would know and I also
have a witness to
keep food on the table
they sold to them switches
welfare doesn't buy shoes
but money does
and the true money
for us on the streets it was
and our true thugs and dead
soldiers we reminisce
about the days way back
when there was such things
as friends over time
our heart become ire so
we don't make amends
we been tortured so much
we torture other men
it seems no one wants to help us
so we rob each other
just because he was only half blood
I seen someone rob his brother
stole from his mother
then split it with his stepfather
so later on he could get on
with his pops step-daughter
this game is so cruel you trust no
man I don't care if the
president said something I wouldn't
trust him this is smart if you
wanna live and later on
eat take these dark words
from an intelligent beast

Monster

2010-05-25T08:41:00.000-07:00

Would you like it if the monster was calling your name every night, that he was so hard you can't take the pain? When he is going into the deepest, darkest place you can't say anything because it hurts and you are scared that he might kill you. You are a prisoner in his dungeon. He might take your mind in, use it under his control. What if that was you mans, your dad, you homeboy, or maybe your next door friend? Well let's say it's all of it. What can you do if they try to kill you then they come up with a plan and try to dominate you. Then you see the light and see a way out of all this mess and what if they say you can go and be free but then you think you're free because you hear this song? 1-2 they're coming for you. 3-4 they're coming through the door. 5-6. What's 5-6? There is no 5-6 because they did not let you go. That's the story of how the people you love can take the best of you. So if you've seen the monster, don't let them take you away, just walk away. But it might be hard because of what they might say. They might tell you that you are beautiful.

Always in Our Minds and Hearts

2010-05-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

When I was 13 I was living with my dad. It was the beginning of the year; I was in the 7th grade. Then one night I was at home watching TV in the living room. It was 11:45, about to be midnight. I couldn't sleep for nothing that night. Then my phone was on the table and it started ringing. Somebody was calling me but I didn't know the number. The area code was from California. I picked it up and said hello. It was my older brother. He called me very upset and strange and he didn't sound the same when I heard his voice. Then he told me what happened. It was about my other older brother. He told me that he just got surgery and it went well. Then the doctor game him some medicine but that's when the doctor screwed up. He gave my brother the wrong medicine and the night he took it, he died and they found him dead on his bed. The police investigated and told us what happened. He was given the wrong medicine which caused this to happen to him. Every since that day me, my dad, my family, haven't been the same. A lot of things went downhill. I will alwayz remember the times he use to take care of me when I was a little baby and alwayz looked out for me and taught me a lot of things. When I was growing up he cared for me a lot. We had different moms but his mom loved me like her own son and never mistreated me. Also my brother. Sometimes I wonder why did God take him instead of me. He was a good student in the university at San Fransisco. He was a great person and he didn't deserve it. Me, my mom, stepmom, dad, my other two brothers, and my 2 older sisters will alwayz love him even if he's not here but he's alwayz in our minds and hearts no matter what.

Choices

2010-05-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

Choices. OMG it's so hard to make the right choices at times. When I go home I plan to start my job and finish school and all but I know it's going to be hard for me to stay out of trouble. It's so irritating that some people think they know what's best for me or act like they want what's best for me but yet isn't there when I need them. Then they don't want me to be around people that I'm with most of the time but those are the ones who are there for me and yet they say they have my best interest but I think, "Ah well". I guess I kinda know it's best cause in the moment they're there contributing to what I'm doing or not doing anything to stop what's going on then at the end of the day try to judge someone. I despise fake people. I'd rather you keep it 100 with me even on my worst days. Don't make a promise you can't keep.

Mi Vida Loca

2010-05-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

Hey my name is [withheld] but known as [withheld]. I'm only 16 years of age and incarcerated. Mi vida loca started at age eight, so young, huh? It's not that I never had mi familia around/on my side, it's not that I wanted to fit in and its not that nobody forced me to get in. As a lot of young people do, I chose to live tha crazy life and choose to go ma own way and do ma own stuff. I've been been locked up only twice. You might be saying, "Oh, wow, only twice?" Well yes only twice! Tha first time I got incarcerated it was for one month. In between and before I got house arrest so many times and this time I will complete 10 months of being incarcerated. Don't get me wrong, though, dem two times is not what made me change or made me want to change. And also don't get me wrong on this. I was first like you! I went through so many things in mi vida loca. I drank, I smoked, I did pills, I did so many things. I first told someone,"If you say you from duh streets like you say you are, why are you like this in here? If you say you from duh streets you know damn right that the attention you try to get in here you won't get it out there. Unless you doing crimes and all that woot woot. Ain't nobody on da crazy streets gonna care about yo emotions or feelings, you gotta be strong cause you won't survive out there like that." I realized that if you don't take yourself serious, ain't nobody and anybody gonna take you serious. You gotta be confident with yourself to move on, you got to believe in yo'self. I wasn't born to live tha crazy life, I was born to make a change in this world. But I always went wit what my mind told me instead of with my heart. I was born to help peoplz but if you think about it how would it be possible for me to help peoplz with their life or on something if they scared of you? You gotta make a difference in you. You gotta help yo'self B4 you can help anybody else. Remember you come first before anybody and everybody!

Court

2010-04-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

I go to court tomorrow. I hope I get to go home. I have tried my best to be a good person to everyone. I also have been trying very hard to change my ways just so I can be a good person in society and to everyone who I knew. I don't wanna change my ways for somebody else. I wanna change because I won't be able to live a good life if I keep acting the way I did. When I get out of here I made plans for my life and to better myself. I want to finish school and I want to go to college and become a game designer.

The Second Time

2010-03-26T08:29:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking about a person in my mind
for the second time
while doing a crime
Drinking that Corona and lime.
I'm here in NVJDH
God help, Jesus Grace
Please let me get out of here and let me free
I promise you one thing, I'll stop smoking that tree
Lord please
I'm locked up like a dumb beast
I think the mistakes are unchangble
and now ima start holding myself accountable.

Is There Any Mail Today?

2010-03-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

Is there any mail today? I always ask the same question in the morning. Then I always get the same answer, “Cody I’m not sure” or “[Name] not at the moment”. I keep waiting for this letter that is for a fact on its way to me.

I continue to wonder what kind of news the letter will bring. While I wonder I often think “What do I really want to happen”? Then “what will be the best for my future”? If I am a soon to be father, should I be more happy than scared? Or should I be more scared than worried? Do I really think I can do this?

At night it makes me tremble, when I think of all the possibilities. I always thought “that won’t happen to me”. No! It was more like “that can’t happen to me”. I never thought of how serious having a child is. Let alone feeding it or providing a safe shelter. I’m still a child! I can’t even take care of myself.

I get so riled up when people decide to lie about being a parent. Acting like it is what proves you’re a man. That happens a lot in here too. If I haven’t mentioned yet, I am currently incarcerated. The worst part about my situation is the feeling that I cannot provide. I can’t even prepare. Since I am a juvenile I can’t even partake in a work leave setting.

I’ve already told both my parents about the possibility already. I’m just scared to tell my probation officer. I don’t want another charge. Can you get another charge for that? I don’t know but until I find out the truth I am going to keep my mouth shut. I’m just waiting for the mail to come. I always have thoughts, like maybe there’s a problem at the post office or something.

When I got the first letter that there is a possibility of me being the father I cried. I mean I literally sat up the whole night and cried. It was the only time I ever cried longer than my mother when my step-brother passed away. I usually cry when I am really mad but never out of sadness and confusion. I will be there for my child and the mother if she is pregnant. I still have the question, “Is it mines”. I’m so upset about not having a job. I feel like the stereotypical teenage parent. So, is there any mail today????????

Author's Note: Since I wrote this page back in the beginning of December it has come to my knowledge that she is not pregnant and that it was just food poisoning.

No One Knows

2010-03-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

No one knows how it is to walk in my shoes.
No one knows how much pain I go through.
No one knows why I do the things I do.
No one knows why I don’t like you.
Is it because I don’t know you.
Is it because the colors you wear.
Is it because the way you look.
Is it because your race or religion.
Is it because the way you live.
I just don’t like you because that’s the way
I feel about you.

My Destiny

2010-03-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I was born to be locked up, born to be in programs, born to be an addict. I think this because no matter how hard I try, I just can't quit getting into trouble. I’ve been through DHS, Girls Outreach, Aurora House, Vanguard, New Directions, and now New Beginnings; all the programs in Arlington, plus TAP, a program in Reston. I honestly don’t know why they keep putting me in these programs, because they’re obviously not helping. And all the drug treatment, it’s not gonna help either. Besides my mom, I was born into a family of addicts, and I guess that’s just how it was meant to be. I can't stop using, and I know I definitely won't stop using. Even though I want to stop, I'm pretty sure the way I’m going to die is by overdosing, having a really bad trip, or by the long term effects.

She

2010-03-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

She is the woman who gave birth to me.
She was, at the moment, still sixteen.
She resumed school and earned a college degree.
She struggled to be stable financially.

She’s a nurse who worked from here to there;
Leaving my little sister and me to Grandma’s care.
She worked abroad, worked everywhere.
She mailed money to us and thought it was fair.

Washington, DC, was her final destination;
Working for two years and announced a declaration.
She wanted my sister and me to move to another nation.
As naïve as I was, I was expecting perfection.

September 3, 2006, is a significant date.
I had an opportunity for my life to recreate.
Sadly, it turned out to be something I’d hate.
I am appalled that I was misled by my fate.

My mother is whom I blamed for my downfall.
She is whom I hit back and made the 911 call.
I was a prisoner of this wall and that wall.
Tears were shed at night but around her, I refused to bawl.

Three months later, from foster home, I ran away.
I was a homeless person with nowhere to stay.
Each day I asked myself, “Would I make it out alive today?”
“If I won’t, please protect my family, God,” I would pray.

Halloween, Christmas, my birthday, blizzards, Valentine’s.
I was starving while families were out to dine.
I asked God and He gave it to me: a sign.
A couple of hours later, it was time.

She opened the door and tears streamed down her face.
I thought she would slap me but that wasn’t the case.
She was beyond comprehending, I was beyond amazed.
This mother-daughter team is back in the race.

She apologized to me and to her, so did I.
We talked with ease and an emotion I could not recognize.
Like your body is free from tension without exercise.
Like a hideous individual with no need for disguise.

The court system determined I’m to be locked up until November.
I wonder, how drastically would my life change after?
I concluded I’ll survive because there’s support from my mother.
She assured me that in the end, all will be better.

She was my age when she had a baby.
Did she predict how that baby girl would turn out to be?
I’m blessed she didn’t entirely lose hope on me.
You’re irreplaceable. I’m proud to call you, “Mommy.”

Why Do Teens Join Gangs?

2010-03-17T06:16:00.000-07:00

Teens join gangs for protection. Teens join gangs at the age of 13 to 21. Gang members use these methods to get teens to join. These are the methods of peer pressure, offer protection, threaten safety of friends or family members, offer money for what appears to be simple activities. Some join gangs just because they have problems at home with their familys or just because they grow up around them. That’s why I join a gang; I grew up around them. I was 13 when I got jumped in to my gang. Now that I think about it it’s not worth it, all it leads you to is jail, the hospital, or dead. I can’t even walk out side my house with out watching my back. I can’t even go to a store with my mom with out watching my back because you never know who can come behind you and stab you or shoot you. I was only 7 years old when I saw my cousin get shot in the head. Am not ready to go through all that. Am not ready to see my mom cry because one of her sons got killed and I know that she is not ready to put me in a grave. That’s why when I get out I am ready to change. I am ready to start all over. That why don’t lose your self with gangs.

Bam Bam

2010-03-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

I BEEN IN THIS PROGRAM FOR SIX MONTHS, IN THIS BUILDING FOR ABOUT TEN MONTHS. THE STAFF TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I WAS A WASTE OF SPACE, A WASTE OF SIX MONTHS. SAYING I’M EIGHTEEN, I'M THIS, THIS AND THAT. SAYING YOU GONNA GO LEAVE AND SMOKE THAT BLUNT, GO BACK TO THEM GANG BOI’S OF YOURS OR WHAT EVER YOU DO. EVERY TIME THEY SAY THIS AND THAT I FEEL LIKE RETAILIATING ON THEM. I FEEL LIKE LETTING “Bam Bam” COME BACK OUT AND DO ME. THEY DIDN’T GIVE ME THE NAME “Bam Bam” FOR NOTHING.

Dear Dr. King....

2010-03-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. King,

I really like what you was saying in your letter. I don't know about anyone else, but it made me think a lot. It made me think about why do black people kill and hurt other black people in many ways. The white people already did that to us. It still a lot that need to be done in society, there's too much violence all over dumb stuff. I paid a lot of attention when you said, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you." I really like that quote. I say that a lot of people need to read this letter and get an understanding of it. Maybe they will soon change after reading it a couple of times. If everybody reads this letter I honestly think that jail cells would be empty. I say that because maybe everybody would think twice about the bad things they did before they did it. This is why I really like and honor this "Letter from a Birmingham Jail".

Sincerely,
11th Grade Student

Purpose

2010-03-15T08:50:00.001-07:00

I've always been curious about what my purpose is in life. What was I put on the earth to do? What was the reason God put me on this earth? This is a question that puzzles me or should I be dead or alive. The real question in life.

Seven Candles

2010-03-11T06:09:00.000-08:00

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven
Seven candles burning and smoking;
Lit seven candles flames of doubt, fear,
Sorrow, pian, waste, hopelessness, despair

They turn my insides with black soot and ash,
There is something at the back of my eyes,
A pressure building, building, building

Hot like flames of seven candles, which
No amount of breath can extinguish

One, Two, three, Four, Five, Six, Seven
The fire spreads
The fire run through my veins
Why can’t I just escape these flames of these?
Candles or is it just. PAIN

Hope

2010-03-10T05:07:00.000-08:00

I hope I get something out of [this program]. I hope this program can help me cause I don't want to go through the same thing all over again. I want to stop getting locked up but I know that when I get out I am going to see the same people I was hanging out with and all I want is to stay away from them but not all cause I know that it's going to be hard but I am going to try to leave them behind.

Curiosity

2010-03-10T05:03:00.000-08:00

I've always been curious about why people do certain things to try to fit in. While I've been here I've noticed that certain people change how they act on the outside because they don't want to feel left out; they don't want to be an outcast. I think they change because they want to feel some comfort while they are in here. I think that they should just be themselves instead of covering themselves with someone they aren't.

I am from....

2010-03-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

I am from Washington, D.C.
I am from a neighborhood that looks for no beef.
I am from a family that care.
I am from a mother that raised her son from a young boy to an older man.
I am from a family that have respect, peace, value, tolerance, perseverance.
I am from a family that supplies they child whatever he/she needs/wants.
I am from the man that put us on Earth, Jesus Christ.
I am from a school that really wants the scholars to be successful, Cesar Chavez School.
I am from a mother that wants her son to change for the good not just for the bad.
I am from a neighborhood that people don't pull them up but pull them down.
I am from a place that I call home that every one have something to live for or have goals.
I am from a neighborhood that everybody is an enemy or targets.
I am from where everyone robs and steals.
And first and foremost I am a person that has goals in life and am willing to change.
I am from a group of friends that robbed people, steal things and carjack people.

Same Old Cell

2010-03-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

I sit here in this same old cell, same old jumper, same old food, same thing everyday, every week, every minute of every day. I can't smell the fresh air outside my window. I can't even see fully out of my window; all I see is a little crack out of my window every day at 2:30 PM. I feel like I'm getting locked into a five wall box everyday I go back into my room. Every 15 minutes they do a check like we some caged animal or something. We sit here being accused of this, this and that, being accused of provoking peers and bullying them is even worse. The way we feel when we we angry is a provocation; we can't do [stuff] because it's just another termination, another loss of knowledge. They say use your freedom of speech but when we do we get locked down another 24, 48, 72 in our room, another court report to the judge, to the PO, to everyone. Every time we go to court we think damn when am I gonna go home, when is it all gonna be over with? You scream to go home but you never see that day. You wonder when oh when will it arrive. You sit here for months, weeks, days, minutes for the day to come. You can't stop to think about it but you do. You can't stop to think what are you doing here, why do they still have them old charges on me? Why can't any of it all go away? I miss the smell of the coldness, the smell of winter. I miss the sight of snow, I miss the traffic in our lives outside these locked doors. I don't want no more locked doors. They put us in a box and then throw away the key and we in a box forever and ever and we can't get out but why? I just want out.

The Rev-Up

2010-02-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

[Young man], do you know if you don't abide by the court commands, we will detain you in NVJDH until your next court date?

Yes, Your Honor.

OK, court is appointed for Jan. 16, 2010.

We leave and I go home to my mother. She high off PCP but in the city we call it "da water". So I stay there for a couple of days and one day she trippin for no reason. I came in the house on time too. She talkin 'bout don't come in her room for 30 minutes, stay in the living room for 30 minutes and listen to the radio. Now she don't got cable in the living room so I'm like could I go outside for 30 minutes? She say yeah.

I leave and I'm thinking, if she don't want me there I don't have to be there. So I go over to my mans in Fairfax, VA house and he say I can spend a night. For the past three days, we was making 40 dollars a night stealing GPSes and I was buying clothes and food. One day I'm sitting at my man's house and the UPS delivery man came and he got a box and a board. He say, "Are you Mr. [Name]?"

I'm like, "Yeah." I lied.

"Sign your name here please."

I did. He say thank you. Me and my mans go to his house and look in the box.

Its like eight iPhones in there.

I know where to take 'em to get money for them. So me and my man go to the bus stop, catch the 25B to Van Dorn Station and catch the train to Pentagon City Mall. We get $1600 for all of them. $200 each. We split it fifty fifty. Man I got $800. I'm like I'm about to ball. I bought Armani Xchange outfits.

Shouts as Loud as Broken Hearts

2010-01-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

I am from shouts
as loud as broken hearts
all the way to nosebleed drips
from fights that I picked cause of poison I sipped
I am only from the Dark
I am from tears from loved ones' souls

I am from Black and Blue
that i can't see with eyes
swollen shut
and please remember I am
only from the Dark

The Darkness don't cloud my eyes
the mist of Day clouds the Darkness
and on April 30 I was never born
but on the 30th Mom's heart was torn
and as I ripped through the dark to the
light
the mature baby cried cause it was too bright
4 pounds 1 ounce
I was a gift from...
from nothing but the reaper
I was dead as soon as I was born
but I'm here or gone
and as I try and find someone to
confide in
it seems my own mind is the only thing I
can find and
your mind is a dangerous place to be locked
in
my body ain't in the real jail
my thoughts is
I ask for the key
no one wants to hear it
and it's not my fault I don't have
the time to have the time
and Mr. Defeat I can't see
you but I feel you in my pocket
get your hands out my pocket
I was born gone
I'm trapped let me out
I'm done

My Girlfriend

2010-01-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend Heaven and I love each other. I think that's the only person in the world in my life who really cares about me. You would think I would say my mom or my father, but in my period of time my mom don't care nothing about me and my father has 15 to 45 years in jail and he been in jail ever since I was born, so let's just say I'm having problems right now. Like I was saying, Heaven and her mom care about me. They were the only people that ever helped me when I was homeless so that's why I love and cherish Heaven and my mother-in-law. I say this because I wanna marry her and take care of my step-daughter.

Cell Walls

2010-01-12T06:29:00.000-08:00

In NVJDH these walls are tall
in my mind these walls can fall
they can lock my body but can't lock my mind
like a diamond in the dirt, I'm still gonna shine
he thought he hurt me by giving me time
little do they know I'm still gonna rise
apart from being a soldier
includes late night cries
something I do to release this stress
is create these rhymes
I'm only one person
how much could I take
going to court thinking I'm going home
instead I get baked
In NVJDH these walls are tall
in my mind these walls can fall

My Dream

2010-01-07T06:33:00.000-08:00

I was reading what she wrote today and it made me think in a way. Most of it is the same way people on the street look at me. But what really got me was when they told her, "I'm coming for you". So I was sittin there like it more people tryin to kill me or beat me then I can count on my hands. Am I scared to walk them streets? NO!! I just look for the dude tryin to bust his heat. I'm always saying I'm not going to end up like Tupac and Biddie but the way my life going, yeah, I run this city but I'ma be dead before 21. And I don't think I'll ever get to have my son, or have my family, my wife that I've never seen in my family. Yeah, that's my dream. I have people shooting at me cause I say, "Su woop gang, and if you ain't with it, then ya in the food chain." I've had friends get hit in the head just because he was at the wrong gas station in the wrong hood. Now all you see is people with a picture of him on their shirt on his birthday. People gettin RIP tattoos for him to show respect. I know you know how it is but can you feel my pain? My mans on the streets, I call him my brother. Damn why he had to do the murder? Now I look at him and he looks like he don't want to live anymore. I see his pain. I know his pain. He only 17 and about to do life. He got a baby girl, hope he knows she goin to be alright. Hope he knows I love him real "G". That's my brother. Is this my dream? NO! I wish we were all free. That's my dream. Amen!

A City that Never Sleeps

2009-12-10T08:32:00.000-08:00

I'm from a city that
never sleeps and where you
hear gunshots and someone
dies and all you hear is
a mother weep

Outside on the
corner where the crackheads b hanging out
shooting up dope and killing thereself slow
drug dealers walk around with bags of white powder
selling it to the crackheads and don't care if they
selling it to an old man

some people wonder why I wear nice-fit
expert clothes and diamonds around my neck and
wrist because where I'm from you that dude
when you dress like this but if you get
caught loafing you'll get shot from standing like
this

People get shot almost all the time but the
news crew don't come around when the hood
loses one of ours all I see is blue and red lights
the police jumping out on my mans because they heard
he had six bags

Where I'm from it's M.O.E money over everything
no more where it's every man for himself
a lot of people who you think your friend turn on you when you
come up and your mans gonna try to stick you up

Mom

2009-12-10T08:17:00.000-08:00

The most important person in my life is my mother cause she was always there whenever I need a shoulder to lean on. She was there when I was sick. She was there when I had problems. Ain't nothing like having a mother. I love my mother with all my heart! She is going to be that woman to always help me overcome my fears and all. A couple years ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. It scared me cause she was someone that I just can't lose. She the backbone of our family. She holds it together. I'm just so glad stuff worked out with that. But for people that don't have their mother I'm sorry but for people who do, love your mother and give them all the respect cause you only got one. I'm serious. If only I could be with my mother right now I would be soo happy! I love my mother. I'd do anything to be home with her. That is the important person in my life.

Tamed Pain

2009-12-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

I'm from tamed pain
in the eyes of the beholder
I'm nothing
below all
but to me
I'm above all
I stand
I'm in pain
but never ashamed
I'm from ghetto love
where my love is taken
and not given
So I get higher than the ceiling
Higher than my feelings
I go on a killing spree
I'm from liquor & corner stores
where cluckers walk freely
I'm a thug bug
so stay away
for my hugs are kisses of hell
you can't rebel
I'm from pretty chicks
ten in the face
slim in the waist
with a .22 caliber in your face
I'm from where you kill & steal to get
a meal
where you have to be careful where you walk
cause you'll get [messed] up
I'm from the hood
a hood rat
yeah I'm that
proud & I'll say it loud
cause where I come from is Washington
where I strive to stay alive

Trying to Change

2009-12-09T08:58:00.001-08:00

I can't focus on anything right now. I want some weed, some alcohol...anything to numb my frustration. I want to yell. Shout. Punch. Kick. I'm trying to change for the better but I just don't want to. I like smoking my lungs black, I like drinking. I like partying. I like being home. As long as I'm not hurting someone else, why do others care so much. Man [edited] Aurora House. I don't want to be helped, I barely love myself nowadays. All I did was steal some money. I wish they would've locked me up then sent me home. But noooo they want to get deep in my feelings and BS. I smoke because I have control and I like to get high. I drink because I like to have fun. I can wait until it's legal...fine, whatever but regardless I'm going to do what I want to do when I can. So like I said, [edited] Aurora House. I'd rather listen to my mom than some random [woman] that thinks they truly know "my type"...wtf is "my type"? I know who I am.

1. I'm bisexual
2. I'm a gang member
3. I'm black and Spanish (I don't tell anyone).

Between These Walls

2009-11-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

Here I am in this room
surrounded by four walls
and with no way to go home.
I see people leave
this place but weeks later
they're back again. But
day and night I pray to God
to please keep my family
safe and strong.

Letter to Maria Reyes (No. 4)

2009-11-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. Maria Reyes,

Yesterday when you told us about your speech about personal things that happen in your life it was dramatic, reality, and emotional. You are a strong woman because you have to live day and day out in a neighborhood that has nothing but violence and drugs, and on top of that you are a 3rd Generation Gang banger back in the day. The speech you gave us inspired me ever since I left the gym because I know things happen for a reason but I don’t want to be locked up anymore. I want a better future for myself. That same night I was thinking of what you said that your moms had to do 3 jobs just to pay the bills but also sometimes she even paid all of her rent and your pops was going in and out of prison. That hit me like a million bullets shooting through my body because I’m thankful that I have clothes behind my back and shelter for me to live in. But sometimes I wonder how it feels to be poor and banging on the streets because I gotten into so much trouble lately and I need a good punishment for my actions. I thank you for coming down to the detention center and telling us about your experience in life because when I get out of this joint I’m going to do the best I can to change my life cause I don’t want to be separated from my family and friends anymore. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your neighborhood changes for the next generation! But I got one question for you, if you would ever go back to the past to change anything what would it be and why? Be safe out there.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Letter to Maria Reyes, Number 3

2009-11-23T08:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Maria Reyes,

Well first of all I want to say thank you for taking some time off and coming to talk to all of us. Once again thank you for coming….

By the way my name is [Juan] , and I’m 17 years old, I’m from CALIFORNIA, SANTA ANA. I guess we have something in common don’t you think? We are both from the same state. Anyways, Maria I want to tell you somethings about my personal life, because I think that I’m living the same life that you lived a couple of years ago. My life at this point is kind of hard and pretty much I been struggling with it. I know life is a risk but some times it gets too risky, don’t you think? Well I been in my gang for five years, I was jumped in since I was eleven years old, since that point on I been in juvenile hall four times with this one…I been doing things that affect me and my family, and only because of the homeboys. Maria I been trying to get away from the gang, and from the homeboys and most of all from those temptations that get me in to a lot of trouble, but I can’t, and you should have and idea of how life is for gang members, don’t you? Once your in, there is only one way out, one is either death or do life in prison, but that is what the homeboys say when you get jumped in, I still remember those words. But I have a big feeling that there is another way out, but is to hard for me to realize what way is it going to be. I gotta admit that you were a tough girl to do what you did, knowing what could happen to you, and hey you did the rite thing... the day that you came to talk to all of us, you open up my eyes with those words that you said to us, your words got me thinking a lot and they made me realize the truth… I know that we are not different from each other, we are the same, except with one exception I’m a vato and you’re a woman, and if you changed your life around, that means that I can do it too, by doing the same thing that you did, and that’s by doing the ‘’Right Thing’’.

By the way Maria as I’m writing you this letter the class and I are watching the ‘’Freedom Writers Movie’’ and to be honest I love the movie a lot... it shows a lot of racism and how young people like us can change everything around if we work together.. I like the book too, but the first time I read it, it got me confused, but after I saw the movie, I understood everything that happen in the book... Well Maria this is all I want to say to you, and it was an honor to meet you, on the real I got happy to know that you were coming to talk to us, once again ‘’THANK YOU’’ and it was a pleasure to meet you… take care and keep your head up…

P.S… with love & respect, hopefully you write back:)

Freedom Fighter

2009-11-23T07:52:00.000-08:00

A young black girl with hopes and dreams
trying to make her way through by any means
she was stuck in a world with sex and lies
at night she couldn't go to sleep cause all she do is cry
she was filled with pain and sorrow
thinking to herself can she live for tomorrow
she wouldn't listen to her mother
no father was near
she has no hope only filled with fear
she was known for sitting along
a smile? HA! That never shown
she saw something that was stuck in her mind
thinking about it time after time
she tries to hide it, she has given up
as she says to herself, "Life sucks!"
F***! is there no luck?
she sleeps her mind away to be
she says her dreams is better than reality
nightmare the dark is ligher
dreams she is a freedom fighter!

Second Letter to Maria

2009-11-18T08:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Ms. Maria,

My name is [withheld] and I appreciated you coming in and talking to us. I am in a gang also and part of me wants to leave all that alone but at the same time it is a huge part of my life. I felt like you were telling my story over but just a little different.
When you made the statement about not being apart of that gang and disowning them, it sort of inspired me like big time. I thought about all the girls my age that loved being a crip. (Oh, that’s the gang I’m in). Anyway, including me we rep it hard and we make it seem like that’s all we want to do when we get older. Get pregnant, rep our gang, smoke, drink, party…blah blah blah. But I don’t want that, I want to be a nurse practioner, I want to be respected for the things I’ve done not the people I’ve hurt or killed. Only thing is right now I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I feel like I just want to give up (I also feel like I am rambling in this letter).
Anyway, before I pour my heart out to you and embarrass myself I just wanted to again thank you for coming in and sharing with us your words of wisdom. Each time I get passes from my group home and go around my old hanging spots I will remember you and push myself to do the right thing no matter what.

Yours Truly,
Anonymous 2

First Letter to Maria Reyes, Freedom Writer

2009-11-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Maria Reyes,
Hello my name is [anonymous] the one, who asked where you got your jeans from, and I want to thank you for coming and talking to us about how you made it and that you didn’t give up. It takes a lot of courage to come all this way to talk to us.
You have made me think about my life and think do I really want to be this person people think I am. I have been through a lot and how I’m going to make it, I feel I can do it from your experience. You said that you didn’t like school that much and I hate school but I need it to be better if I want to get somewhere in life. I’m not that good in typing letters so, I just want to thank you a lot and you helped me see something different in my life that I didn’t know I had. You changed the way I see things. Talk soon.

A Civilized Person

2009-11-18T07:17:00.000-08:00

In my days here in the New Beginnings Program, I've learned a lot. I've worked on my gang involvement, my anger, respecting authority figures. This program helped me with a lot. Now I have 35 days left in here. I'm going home soon. Now I'm working on getting my home pass and going back to school. This program showed me my positive side. I been here for 7 months. For these 5 months, I worked hard. My pride is my downfall and that's that's the one thing even when I get out I will still work on. I never thought that I will change but these six months helped me understand who I was and who I want to be. So from dis forth I'm no long psycho but a regular human being, a civilized person.

To Be Great

2009-11-18T07:13:00.000-08:00

To be great
but misunderstood
no one knows what going on
everything is too great
but people don't understand
me I'm talking to a brick wall
you don't understand the pain I'm
feeling, but you can see me crying, don't
tell me how I feel, and don't say you understand
because you don't know my pain. You
misunderstand what I just said, you don't know
my pain, I hate that being in jail make
me feel this way, go away, I just want
to fly away. I'm misunderstood but life
is great.

Pain

2009-11-13T08:56:00.001-08:00

Pain behind my eyes, scared to cry
pain because I can't show weakness
pain for me being gone
pain for wasting my life, four and a half years blown
pain not being cared for, by no one, not even at home
I got pain for being left behind
something like a lost memory in the back of someone's mind
pain from the fights, all the blood that's been
pain is something that seems to love me but
when it comes in many forms it hurts times 3
pain is my everything because it's
the only thing I'm familiar to,
it's just something that's a part of me
but my pain grows
it grows blind to me because no one sees
no one else feels the pain I hold inside of me

L.O.V.E. (my little brother)

2009-11-09T09:09:00.001-08:00

For me I have to say that out of anything in the world, I love my little brother Shakur the most. The reason I love him the most is because anything I do, no matter if I'm right or wrong, he still takes up for me because he knows I love him and that show me he loves me too. I take up for him all the time too. Sometimes we fight and argue but then next thing you know is that we are playing around with each other again. He also gets on my nerves sometimes too and I know from being his big brother that I get on his nerves sometimes too. He also knows that I wouldn't let anything in the world happen to him. He knows that if anyone older than him no matter what age they are messes with him he knows who to call. My little brother Shakur, my little bud and best friend. I love you lil bruh!

Choices

2009-11-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

Everyone makes good and bad choices. Most of the choices I make when I think about it are bad. I know they were bad because they landed me in here. JDC. Even I know why the choices I make gets me in trouble and that's because I never think! I don't never try to think about the consequences, or how the victim would react. The only thing I thought about was the idea of doing bad things. When I look back I think about what would have happened if I didn't do what I did, the chances of me coming here would be less. I just want to apologize to everyone I ever offended and ever hurt.

Real Talk

2009-11-06T09:12:00.000-08:00

This place beat me
up my head hurts
back hurts my legs
hurt my chest hurts
I'm hurt so when
I get out I will
refresh myself with
all new things new
people new places
brand new person
Real Talk

Free Time!

2009-11-06T06:34:00.000-08:00

In my free time, I like to draw. I think that I'm good at art. I take art classes every year just so I could get better at what I like to do. My parents think I am a really good drawer too. If it's good they congratulate me, and if it's bad they talk to me because they know I could do better. My parents show a lot of love for me. Every visiting day I never have to worry because I know that my parents are coming to check and see if I'm ok. If my parents don't come to a visit, I know that they had to be somewhere very important because this time I only was sentenced ten days and my parents told me that they will be at every visit. I can't wait until the 5th of Nov. because that's when I get released. November 5th at 4. It seems that I been in here forever but I only been in here three days. I have 7 days to go. I wish they hurry so they could be over with.

Misunderstood

2009-11-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

"To be great is to be misunderstood" ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think that when great, you have people that think you're inadequate. They put you in society's media stereotypes and say that you will never amount to anything. People don't understand where you're coming from and misplace you in a columnized stereotype from where you come from, your race, religion, and all these other things that have nothing to do with you educationally. Society labels you as illiterate but when you succeed they are confused and they misunderstand who we are. Don't judge us if you don't want to be put on the stand.

Pale as Paper

2009-11-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

Today is just another boring day like every other, just waiting for it to go by. I wish I could feel the cold air of the outside rush past my body. I'll do anything at this point just to breathe the air outside. If I could I'll run butt naked outside. It's been so long that I feel like I'm going as pale as a damn paper.

Changing Within All My Challenges

2009-11-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

My Thoughts

My love for music. My love for being free. I can’t take all this constructive control.

I want to go home and be free like a bird without a tracking device attached to my ankle and have to tell “master” everywhere I go and everything that I do. That gets to me like, I wish I could just rewind time all over again and just start over. I wish I had a time machine and I could go back to the times where I messed up and choose a different way of how I did things and just think; wait this is truly the only time I have actually stopped and thought about what I did wrong and instead of blaming every body else for my mistakes, I’m blaming myself. Man I am actually growing and becoming the true person I really am and don’t have to sugar-coat anything like I would do all the time. I miss my mom and can’t wait to go home so I can just start over and get everything that I’ve done out on the table with my mom and don’t have to think about everything, every day, every minute. I am ready to change because I am changing within all my challenges.

The Flame

2009-10-27T06:34:00.001-07:00

I got to chill out
because I'm like a flame
that doesn't bring a good fame
if I don't chill myself out
law will and they're colder than ice
and when I say I need to chill out
it's another word for change
but not all the way
I'll always be the same
I just need to bring down my flame
and maybe it will bring a good fame

Court

2009-10-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

I hate going to court, especially in the morning. I hate the way that it makes me nervous and the way it smells but the biggest thing I hate about court is how they got a judge that is equal to everybody else making the choice whether your freedom should be taken away or not. I think the only person for that spot is God but that's never going to happen. The world will never be at peace until all the money in the world is gone and people learn to love instead of hate.

A Long Way Gone

2009-10-26T08:19:00.001-07:00

Teacher's Note: This poem emerged from a final assessment I gave on our class reading of A Long Way Gone.

I'm running
and can't find my way
I'm a long way gone
I can't feel my face
so deep in the world's war
I've lost my sight
to regain it.
I am in fright
seeing day by day
I want to fight
fight the animals that come
to my path
and I'm scared
cause I have to fight
machetes, G3s, grenades,
and all
I hate running
I can't see me or my family
at all
to over come is to join
and become the monster
I hate.
Fear
and want to shake
I stand but I'm shaking
all wet and cold
my knees shaking
persistently
I'm scared and want to get out
I'm a long way gone
and have not found
the light
blood running down
from my eyes
I'm beginning to see
see the smoke
hear the screams
I run down teh hill
to the scene
but when I get there
it's all the same I've seen
I'm tired
but I run
to get away from RUF
before I burn
my hands bound
my mind confused
I have till morning
before I begin to lose
my eyes firey red
because I haven't been to
sleep
I'm afraid if I do sleep
I will fall deep
but I'm a long way gone
Am I already asleep?

Love

2009-10-23T08:39:00.001-07:00

Love is an emotion
When two doves fly
they become one
the doves love
each other and
never leave
they are happy
and fly with joy.

Man and Woman

2009-10-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

There's something you have always done to never be seen.
I may not see you on the lines but maybe in between.
There will always be something better than what you have.
So you go out and get it instead of being glad.
Once given a change to stop you think of starting.
Your mind races as your thoughts are darting.
If you are alive then it could always be worse.
But you can come in 2nd or 3rd and still be first.
Your memories lead you down a very dark path.
Then instead of being in the lead you start to become last.
As high as the stars even the moon
or as low as the flowers when they begin to bloom
this is the end also the beginning
so you never lose because you're always winning.
these are emotions of man and woman
but my question is...where do you fit in?

Favorite Books

2009-10-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well that type of books that I like are books that got to do with people's past and struggles in life like being in a gang and what they had to go through or how some are addicted to drugs and what it lead them to. So recently I read a book named Runaway and the other one was named Inside the Crips and the reason I got attached to this book is because he was talking about how his life was and how the gang life was, how he felt about certain things, how he had to do time in prison and what he experienced in there and how he started doing drugs and how at the end he tried to change everything and make something better for his future. And there was a lot in these books that I can compare to and how there are certain people that you can/can't trust just so much. When I read these kinds of books, I start to picture myself in their footsteps and I actually start thinking about life and how much people go through and how much stuff is out there (good stuff) that we haven't experienced and we just letting it go to waste by not thinking about our consequences about how we react and then think instead of thinking and then reacting in a positive way.

Don't Set Yourself Up

2009-10-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

Well it’s been crazy lately how as you get older you start realizing all the problems in this world. That’s probably why my hair is falling out and being lock up doesn’t help any thing. It’s just eating me up knowing that I set myself up like this because when you really think about it, you put yourself in a situation where some one tells you what to do, tells you when you can speak and I used to say who the hell are you to put me on Quiet Time and they would say I’m staff and you’re not! Ok. So. Does that make you a better human or make me less of a human? That’s just a name you have because of your job. Once you leave here, you’re just like me, human. So this always gets me thinking how unfair life is, not because you make it unfair. It’s what people for generations before us made it and it lives on through many more generations. It’s funny now much power us humans have; we can turn a beautiful place or thing into something ugly. Like for example, say your favorite restaurant out of no where had the rudest host manager and all the things you like about your favorite restaurant become ugly. All the beauty of the restaurant becomes ugly just by somebody being rude or affecting what you used to think about the place. Because the place is still just a restaurant, it always seems to be the people there that might mess you all up. Well besides all these things I see how unfair jails and programs are. They say they’re not here to change who you are but yet they criticize you and say it’s constructive criticism. To me criticism is just criticism. But like I was saying they tell you more on what you need to work on than all the things you can keep like your personality. Yea, some people have bad ones, some have humorous ones, and in here you obviously can’t have either because others will put you down just because they don’t like something about you or just one day they’re having a bad day and tell someone how annoying they are or how they need to work on something. To me that’s the same as asking someone to change something in a different way. What I’m getting at with this is people’s moods and mindset can change everything around us or even your thoughts. But whatever it is, I’ve learned not to take everything people say to me personally whether it’s good or bad. Like when someone compliments on how good your day is going, and how happy they are with you. I’ve learned they’re only saying it because they’re in a good mood. But if they were mad or mad at you they wouldn’t say that. So sometimes it’s good not to take what people say personally or assume things even though it happens. It’s just the way things are. All of this is coming from fear of being myself around strangers because they (others) rather see me quit than be my silly, funny self. That’s why being locked up is eating away at who I really am and I’m tired of victimizing myself in these types of ways. That’s my wake up call that I got from being here locked up. All I’m saying is don’t set yourself up, because everything is about your choices and the consequences that come out of the choices you make, whether they are good or bad. Life is Life.

The Cycle of the Streets

2009-10-12T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I go to my cell and think about how my life has changed ever since my brother's incarceration. I think I needed this in my life, cause really my life was pretty much just I would wake up, go out, chill with my [friends] and get some money, buy weed and smoke. Sometimes I would drink but not as often. I really needed a change in my life. I would try to do something but it wouldn't work. I would get bored on whatever I was doing and go right back smoking and chilling, and it was a cycle that I could not stop and I ain't gonna lie, I really didn't wanna stop. When you live in the life of violence and drugs, you find it really hard to get out of this cycle. You get used to getting in trouble. You slowly find out that it's just like the game "cops and robbers" but the only difference is, this ain't no game, this is real life and if you get caught you would go to real jail and won't be going home. That's what happened to me and that's why I'm here. Hopefully I get out before I explode and get more time in jail.

Cherish the Moments

2009-10-12T08:19:00.000-07:00

Hold what you have now until beyond, because you never know what you got till it's gone." That was a closing sentence from a song called "You Never Know" by Immortal Technique. The song talks about not taking full advantage of someone and ending up losing them in the end and not cherishing the moments you had and shared. I follow this saying because I too have felt this way before in a relationship I had and didn't cherish moments and didn't take it seriously.

Gangs

2009-10-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

When in a gang, you're looking for a family that you don't have.

They say to kill, u kill.
They say to stab, u stab.
They say to rape, u rape.
They say to hurt the children, you hurt children.
They say to fight, u fight.
They say to shoot a gun, u shoot.
They say to smoke weed, u smoke.
They say hurt families, u hurt families.
They say drop out, you drop out.
They say what they say
but you do what they say
or you'll be killed for
your life and/or jumped badly.

But just one question
how do I get out
how do I get away from the gang/drug life?

Trust No One

2009-10-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

I do not talk to those who I do not know for they are liars and cheaters and cannot be trusted. I am in here because after I did wrong, I felt bad for what I have done so I tried to turn over a new leaf, a good leaf. They said nothing will happen to me for I was doing the right thing. Those who said they would look out and speak on my behalf was the same ones who spoke fire, burning me as time went on so trust no one. Everyone is your enemy.

Judgement

2009-10-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

I wish people would not judge me based on how I portray myself, my physical appearance, or my actions. For example, every time a male comes across, it's like I am psychic towards what they are thinking about me. I can read the male species like a book. And I have the same opinion for all guys in general: they only want one thing, and that is the goods.

When I was living on the streets for some time of my life, random guys would come up to me asking why such a beautiful girl is lying down on a bench in the projects? They I would respond by saying I am going through a lot right now and I really have to where else to go at the moment. At the time I was very vulnerable and desperate, so as long as the guy spit his game the right way I would tag along with him. But what amazed me the most about these men was how two-faced they were. First they are nice, respectful gentlemen who just tell me what I wanna hear like "Oh, well, I can help you out and get you off of these streets. It looks like you need to get somethin to eat and seems to me that you need to bathe and need to lie down for a while because you look very exhausted. If you go with me, I can take care of you." But little did I know that the phrase, "I can take care of you" meant something outside the box. They basically said, "We gon get it on when we hit my spot", but camouflaged what they really meant.

So once they had me in a good position with no one around, after about five minutes, the guy would start touching me in areas that were uncomfortable. I do admit, sometimes I let them caress me, but a lot of the time I really wasn't in the mood to have sex with them because first of all I was in no position to even feel any type of pleasure because of me being homeless, and second of all, the men that I turned down were denied for a reason: too dang old!

The ones that I rejected got angry and I got to experience the real side of them that I have never seen before. The nice, respectful "gentlemen" that I met not to long ago had vanished and now I was facing the cold-hearted,cruel, physical man. but back to my point from the very beginning. I wish people (men in general) would just stop judging me based on my appearance and how I portray myself because when they come across me, they think I am a promiscuous teenager who prostitutes for money. I wish men wouldn't look at me as just a piece of (@#!), but I guess I am just gonna have to deal with it, keep my head up and stay strong because people like that is gonna pass my way everyday.

The Day

2009-09-29T08:24:00.001-07:00

The day I became a dealer
the day I became gang related
the day I shot a gun
the day I saw a murder
the day I got locked up
the day I got snitched on
the day I saw the rapes
the day I saw u killed in my eyes
the day I shot u
the day I stabbed u
the day all this came along
the day this came to me
the day we hurt their families
the day I killed u
the day I buried a grave
the day I left u is still
hanging above my head
the day we jumped them kids
the day I gave you stitches
in your head
So when's the day it all stops?

What I've Learned

2009-09-25T06:24:00.000-07:00

I been locked up four months now at NVJDH and I can say that I've learned a lot being in here. I learned that sometimes you need to let things slide, life's too short to be angry all the time. By getting angry at someone or something you're giving them what I like to call "your inner strength" and the control you need instead of yourself. I've also learned that many friends don't show their true colors until you're far away from them. Man how quick people forget about you. But as soon as you come back they make it seem as if nothing happened. I let it slide twice but this time I'm cutting them off permanently.

A Rhyme for Anne Frank

2009-06-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

This a little something on the Anne Frank's diary,
About the struggles she overcame an how she truly inspired me.
In 1942 Hitler occupied Holland,
An that dude was no joke, some compare him to Stalin.
No one knows why he did what he did an tried to blame the Jews,
Historians have been searching for years for answers but still no clue.
It all started in 42 Anne was just a lil girl,
But little did she know that lil 263 would turn into that lil girl’s world.
She transitioned from a normal little kid with a normal lil family,
To a bird in a coop that’s slowly swarming though insanity.

My Life As a Foster Child

2009-06-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

My name is anon. and I’m a foster child. The life I live on a daily basis is not easy. I move from home to home if there is a problem. I have two other sisters that are in foster homes and we don’t live together. Everyday I ask myself, ”Why me?” On May 18, I got a phone call from my social worker, telling me to pack my things because I will be moving to Columbia, M.D. This is one of many things I hate that I have to go through as a foster child. When I got to the new home, I was very depressed and sad.I didn’t know anyone and I had to make new friends. Even though the people I lived with were nice, I just couldn’t cheer up. It has been almost a year now and I’m doing a little better with the environment, but there is still something missing from my life. I haven’t heard from my sisters, mom, or dad and I knew something wasn’t right. The weekend comes and I get a phone call from my social worker saying two of my uncles has passed away. That night I cried for a long time and didn’t eat for two days. That weekend I packed some clothes and ran away to D.C. where my family was located. While there, I‘d met the love of my life and we started hanging out all the time. It’s been three months since I ran away and I’m doing fine by myself; also I’m happy. About two days later, I got caught and put in a Detention Home and here I am today.

No Pretty White Fence

2009-06-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

Growing up in Congress Park, I didn’t have no pretty white fence surrounding my house; all I had was the streets and also poles, sticks and bottles, such things of that nature, but I was never ashamed of where I lived because my household tried to make the best of it and we did. My life was crazy when I was growing up with such things like : fighting, arguing , and things of that nature. I mean there would be times I would think about what I can become on earth but my mind would slip away in my environment. I wasn’t no get wit but I just some how got adapted to what was always around me 24/7, not saying it was in my household but you know what I mean. I was that hype lil [edited] when I was real young. I always knew how to have fun even when times were boring. I first lived on 13TH and Congress Park in the southeast area in DC. When I say hard times I mean hard times. Around where I lived s**t happened. I seen plenty of [edited] get they [butt] whooped over something stupid. Plus I got with the programs most of the times. I can remember when me and my cousin was fighting; our aunt would tell us we family, we are not supposed to be fighting. We both took that to heart. All my people’s had the love for money so I grew up.

Fighting

2009-06-25T06:15:00.000-07:00

There's a certain thing that I used to do twice a day and maybe more in the jail facility I came from, [Withheld] County Jail, down in Memphis, TN, and that certain thing was fighting. But that doesn't mean that I like fighting. The reason I used to fight was because there it wasn't nothing like here in NVJDH. There is was a small hallway with six cells with bars, where people threw nasty stuff in our cell and we all used to come out to watch TV together and that's where the fights would start. Also, the reason I used to fight is because I have a very bad anger problem. If somebody messes with me or does something that gets on my nerves, I become mad easily and say things bad enough to start a fight.

Time Heals Nothing

2009-06-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

If you knew me, you would know that being incarcerated is the worst thing that can happen to you. Each and every day that goes by is worse than the day before. Time heals nothing. I don't know how some of these guys get used to this. Even though you do everything the same way each day, it is something that I feel that is not meant for me. Just thinking that I'm here being babysat while she is out sleeping in her comfy bed, eating whatever she pleases, going to the movies, going to Stoves, hanging out with friends, enjoying life, while I'm in here, depressed and worried about my case.

Regrets

2009-06-22T11:27:00.001-07:00

One of my biggest regrets I made in life was when I joined a gang. Because of that I never liked school and have always been on the streets and they put me on probation. Representing a certain color or number is pointless, regardless of what the situation is. Different color, flag, same color skin. People putting others in body bags. I see dat as a dumb thing. My train of thought changed at a certain point. I became more mature and am leaving what I did and what happened in the past.

Important Dates

2009-06-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

There are plenty of dates that are important to me, but the most important date for me would be on Sept. 7, 2009. On this day my girlfriend will be giving birth to my first child, a baby boy. I just hated that on Dec 31, 2008, I got locked up and ever since I have missed seeing her belly get big and what I hate the most is that I also will be missing her giving birth to him and most likely his first 3 to 4 months of his life. All this because of the wrong decision I made in the past. But I just wish that when I get back with them, I wouldn't have to spend no more time away from them.

My Freedom

2009-06-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

When I was free, I always got into trouble for no reason. Charges like Assault and Battery, Possession, and evading the police. The worst crime I have ever been charged with is a level 2 felony, Intent to distribute. When I went to court the prosecutor had given me a plea that if I say “Guilty” then they would drop the charge to a level 3 misdemeanor “Possession of marijuana”.

So I plead guilty, without knowing any better at the time. My public defender had not talked to me before court and later told me it was an unwise decision to plea guilty because they had no evidence it was in my possession in the first place and that they had no probable cause and that they illegally searched me. They had no evidence because when the “jump out” unit “Jumped out” on me I had tossed my bag of marijuana on the ground.

I feel like it was an injustice because when they caught me they brutally assaulted me. I had gotten 2 blocks away from the officers quickly and over a fence then I turned a corner of an apartment building to continue on my get away when another officer was running toward me and punched me in the face. I think he had hit me as hard as he could and I was running full speed.

The injustice was not the fact that he had hit me the first time but then he continued to slam my head into the wet ground when I tried to get up. He even ripped my new jersey, straight down the middle. He didn’t even have a good reason to pick me up of the ground. I had stop resisting and had handcuffs on and he didn’t care how tight they were. I think my hands were turning purple; they were so tight they went numb.

So by then they found my weed, beat me down and ripped my brand new jersey. As if that was not enough they pressed charges on me and took me into the station for fingerprints without even reading me my rights.

Looking back on it now the only reason I think that I ran is because I had court two days later and I knew I was going to get locked up anyways.

Why Kids Join Gangs

2009-05-22T12:39:00.002-07:00

I think the reason kids choose to join gangs is because they feel left out and not loved. So when a gang shows a kid that they'll always be there for them and shows some love, gives them some money, that makes them think bein a homie is the way to go. For example, that's the reason I got jumped into my gang because I never had a father or that love and money. And when you get into that gang life, it is addicting because you get used to all the things gang life has to offer. In my opinion, I think that there is nothing adults can do to prevent kids getting into gangs, because it's the kids choice, not theirs. Gang recruiting is the number one priority so the gang will do anything to get a kid in a gang and if adults try to stop recruiting, they might get hurt or killed.

True Facts

2009-05-21T06:31:00.000-07:00

A place where some are never going home. A place where you gotta be told what and when to do it. A place where they show no love, give dap instead of hugs. Some cry, some smile, but the majority are senile. You're waiting for what seems forever, you got some not believing you won't come back and others giving you strength and courage to even believe in yourself that you won't come back. You got the lies, fairy tales and drama, then you got your twice a week phone calls to Mama. Have no fear, just wait till the nightmare disappears. Start a new life with a new you and eliminate bad peers.

You

2009-05-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

You

It may not matter, it may not. It may.
But what do I know?
I’m the girl in your dreams,
But today I’ve come to tell you that
You can succeed in life just as much as me.

I’m not really here
I have to rediscover myself before I step out of my cycle of life and death
But I want to stay here, in this lifetime with you
Because my consciousness has created my with flesh and blood
I love you… You’re beautiful, you’re special, and you’re...

...you’re you.
I can bring you up with me,
If you would just believe and let me take you
To an imaginary world that you have never been
You’re mind is limited
But I can rescue you
From this earth, this life
You think this is bad, this life?
Not while I’m here.
And maybe you don’t believe
But I’m not really here.
I shall offer my hand and grant you immortality
I’ve never, in all my lifetimes, met anyone like you.
Open your mind, open your heart and trust me
Trust me to be with you every night even though I’m not there
Because my soul will remain by your side
I’m not dead, because I was never alive…
My love is pure and chaste, like a pond of perfect pearls.
It’s warm like the summer’s eve, so soft.
Chocolate for your soul
An ever-growing desire to be by you,
Because my liquid love bleeds for you
It’s in your subconscious,
But it’s there.
…My love for you.
Open your eyes and you will see me
I will rebirth you to a new life, because I love you.

What Is It That You Want?

2009-05-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

What is it that you want?
My friendship or my soul
Will it add on to my life?
Make me whole or break me down
Are you looking to tear me apart?
What is it that you want?
My Body or my Heart?

The New Me

2009-05-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

Well today is May 7th. I’m feeling kind of good cause I am looking forward to going home soon .Plus, when I go home I will have a job .My mom said that she is looking into me going to “ Job Corps “ . I think that is the best thing for me to do right now because I can’t seem to stay out of trouble in the environment I stay in. It will do me some good cause then I would be around new people. No detractions for once in my life time.LOL. Sooner or later, I’ll be out of school in off to college. Just call it the new TW. Better actions. Responsible. Independent. Better Me!!!!!!!

Trouble Just Follows

2009-05-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

It was a Friday morning I woke up and my grandmother told me that I had court for my trespassing charge in Pentagon City Mall. I was kind of scared because I live in Maryland and everybody knows that Virginia doesn’t play. I was hesitating on whether I should go or not thinking about my plans for the weekend; I decided not to. It was basically like I put my fun time in front of my priorities which could have been the dumbest thing I had ever done. My judge was Judge Wiggins; I had already heard so much about her before even meeting her. I pictured her being like Judge Judy. I would later find out nope not even close. My judge was more lenient and fair then Judge Judy and the way people described Wiggins they siced it. I didn’t let my worries get the best of me. I partied hard that weekend just thinking about what might go down that following Monday when I turn myself in. April 20 I went to court and my judge ordered a Detention Hearing for failure to appear in court. She ordered that I be detained until May 6, which was my next court date. I had then realized she had just given me 15 days for failure to appear; boy was I blown. I had no one to be mad at but myself because I made that decision not to go so I had to suffer the consequences. I have court on May 18 and May 20 for petty and grand larceny. I have never been on probation, done any community service, taken any classes, house arrest, or nothing, so maybe she’ll let me off with any of the above. I wouldn’t mind doing any of those. As long as I don’t have to be in here, I’m good because I can’t stand this place. I learned that (North Virginia Juvenile Detention Home) is not the place to be. It’s not BAD but it’s not GOOD either. I love my freedom and never will I do anything to jeopardize that again. I’ve learned my lesson is what most people say but I’m not most people. I want to do something with my life and actually be someone kids younger than me can look up to. I’ve had enough and am ready to close this chapter in my life and start out fresh. I’m done with the past: out with the old and in with the new.

MY LIFE

2009-04-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

"2014, 2014 it still 2014"

That what everybody is saying

My life went by fast

Graduated now in college,

Making $ 70 an hour

Living in San Francisco

Seeing the golden gate bridge
Going to pastry school
Day and night thinking about high school

My new life starting off good.

I am happy, satisfied with my life

Nothing bad could happen

Then i found out

That it was only a dream.

I can still remember
I can still hear them saying
"2014, 2014 it's still 2014

Fighting against Freedom

2009-04-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

When they think I won’t hurt them because I’m a girl,
I love it.

When I listen to them talk trash, and I start getting close then their attitude changes,
I love it.

When I hit them hard and their blood stains my knuckles,
I love it

When they yell for help and nobody comes to their side,
I love it

When I kick them in the face and laugh at their anguish,
I love it

When the police show up and the handcuffs appear,
I hate it.

When I stand in front of the judge and the prosecutor is relentless,
I hate it.

When I’m behind locked doors and she is outside,
I hate it.

When she got some bruises, and some scars, I got my freedom taken away,
I hate it.

Getting Locked Up

2009-04-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

This is my 3rd time getting locked up. Well the first time I came here was on July of 2007. The reason why I came here was because I didn’t obey my moms rules so I got locked up for three weeks and that’s how I got on probation. I got on probation august, 10, 2007. They gave me probation for one year.

When I went home I was on house arrest for 30 days. When I got off house arrest I had to follow a curfew and it was at 6:00 p.m. on week days and 7:00 p.m. on weekends. I had problems with my curfew because it was so early it would violate it a lot of the time and my mom would tell on me almost all the time. So I would get in trouble but not as much. It wasn’t until July of 2008 when I started to get consequences for my actions.

On July since it was summer and everybody likes to chill a lot my friend told to sleep over at her house and I was at the movies that night right by her house so I said I don’t know I don’t think my mom would let me. So she told me to call her and ask her and I did, but my mom didn’t pick up the phone so I was like “I’m going to stay and I’ll tell her tomorrow”. When I got home my mom had already called my probation officer and told her that I didn’t come home last night. So my P.O placed me on house arrest for 10 days. The first four days were okay I stayed home, but then I found out that my friends were having a party and I wanted to go so I violated house arrest just to go to the party and I wasn’t even worth it. When my P.O found out she put a detention order on me. And I had to go to court and 2 weeks and I knew I was getting locked up so I decided to do what ever I wanted to do for those 2 weeks. I would come home any time I felt like coming home.

Then my court day came and I got locked up for 25 days. When I went home they put on ISP. And I violated it but they didn’t locked me up again they just put me on house arrest. When I got of ISP. I kept on violating my curfew and not following my probation rules so I had court again and I got locked up again and here I am this is my 3rd and last time being locked up. All the other times I came here I took it like a game and I wouldn’t care and as soon I got out I would violate probation again. But this time is different I’ve been here for 27 days and I have three more weeks until my next court and I don’t know if I’m going home but I’m just going to do my time and when ever I get out I’m going to change. This time I really mean it I’m going to follow my rules and behave well and listen to my mom because I’m tired of being locked up and getting in trouble and making my mom waist her time in counseling and courts and all that. I want to get my life straight and do good and get of probation.

Solving a Problem

2009-04-28T05:03:00.001-07:00

A time I solved a problem was during court. I had gotten violated but for no reason, when I didn't do anything Now my court date has passed, it was on Monday April 20, 2009, at 2:30 PM. Me and my father were waiting for a good minute; we didn't get in until around 3 PM. Once the judge said I'm gettin locked I just felt I honestly didn't care but what really mattered to me was my parents. All I remember seeing is my dad tearing up. I can see it in his eyes, how much he watned to cry. But he couldn't do anything. I just thank God that I'm about to leave in three or basically two days. This is going to be the first and last days I'm EVER coming back!

Dealing in Despair

2009-04-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

Because Momma wasn't there
and poppa was a player
had me dealing in despair,
feeling life wasn't fair
and I had hoop dreams
still addicted to the street
wasn't worried 'bout nothing
big bro was backing me
now he sitting in the Fed's
and J.B. is in the ground
made a promise to my man
that I'll 4ever hold it down

Authority

2009-04-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

People make certain situations difficult because they have the authority to, just because no one knows their motives, but you can only assume their motives are in the wrong place because there is no affect on them. They are lazy and they're just choosing that dollar but why make it difficult for us during the process?

Power

2009-04-23T06:24:00.000-07:00

I feel happy some days and other days sad. People make me happy, people make me sick, people pick with me for no reason because they can and they choose to. For example, some people, they feel they have to show power for the wrong reasons. Some of the staff at NVJDH are rude and work for the wrong reason. Some don't take none of the kids' medical and physical requests at all. Some don't break a sweat but only at breakfast and lunch. That's the only time you'll see hard work. Some come to pick with detainees and not give us no guidance in life or advice about certain situations and are only here for a free meal. This is addressed to all the staff who act like Neanderthals and very hungry, very, very, very hungry and obnoxious.

A Son Needs His Mother

2009-04-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

A son needs his mother so he always knows to
love....
A son needs him mother so he's not looking from
above....
A son needs him mother cause its something that he
needs....
A son needs his mother so he don't smoke that
weed....
A son needs his mother so he doesn't learn to hate....
I need my mother before it's too damn late....

Keep the End in Mind

2009-04-21T12:02:00.001-07:00

Keep the End in Mind

They say keep the end in mind……
Cause you’ll never know when its time….
The day that your heart stops….
The day the wooden casket drops…..
Six feet underground…..
They're piling up a dirt mound….
Over all your dreams and hopes….
The whole family's there to mope…..
And now there all left with tears…
Hoping that god will hear….
Telling him to cut you slack….
But you’re never ever coming back….

Another Night in This Human Zoo

2009-04-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

Another Night in This Human Zoo
Every night I sit up and wonder why I’m here?
I think back to a time to when my family was always happy.
Felt like smiles and sunshine surrounded us even on a rainy day.
A time when football and basketball was just another way me and my pops bonded even more.
But then I get dropped back in the dark hole we call reality.
Disrupted by the constant beeping of the hits that are making sure the doors are still locking the animals in.
The horrid sound that desists any happiness that is left within.
It’s a sound that keeps me from my dream…………

Returning Home

Night

2009-04-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

Teacher's Note: this was written during our class unit on Night by Elie Wiesel.

When night falls down
I'm locked up in my room
no where to go, with only 3 windows
u can't even see out of.
When night falls down
I'm mad cause I can't see
the moon glow, so when I'm in my
room I roll over till I can't move
no more.
When night falls down
I'm mad cause I didn't
get to see sunlight or didn't
get to feel a breeze, because
I'm locked up behind locked
doors.
when night falls
when night falls
when night falls down.

War!

2009-04-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

Soldier! Soldier!
War! War!
Through the tunnel
through the sewer
underground but through the town
when I rise, look around
notice nothing in this town
all alone, on my own
no one in this town
so I just wait around
not even a sound hit the ground
it's only me in this town
a soldier in this town.
war went through
but I wasn't around
underground while war went on
now I'm a soldier in this town.

Is This Where You Want To Be?

2009-04-17T10:10:00.001-07:00

I'm in a place where you show no love
where people can walk all over you like a bug
so you stick your chest out and try to make it through
if someone gets in your face you act like a fool
most of the time you're in your cell
the only thing you look forward to is visiting or mail
people telling you what to do
and everywhere you go someone is watching you
I lost my freedom and I can't get it back
society won, so now I take a nap
I had a dream, I was happy and free
how ask yourself this question: is this where you want to be?

Jail House

2009-04-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

In jail you go through
Trials and tribulations
Towels from masturbation
Crowds of people hating

You a in cage animal
Out rage cannibal
Ready to strike when any body put they hand on you
It’s the survival of the fittest and only the fit survive
You in the cage with all animals that will eat you alive

As time fly past
Your girl don’t last
Your brain die fast
You start to figure out your friends ain't really your friends
They talk about it they wasn’t about it they change since you came in

You might go in a soldier and come out sweet
You might go in gangster talking and don’t even come out and eat
Trust is a word that can’t be spoken in there
never under estimate nobody because you don’t know what they toting in there
If your body ain't built you better start lifting weights
It ain't no more guns its about your hand because you behind closed gates
Its young boys in there that was forced to be men
So the ticket to survival is to never come in

A Life Lesson

2009-04-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

A fool is some body who doesn't listen
I got 2 ears and 1 mouth so I got to pay attention
I’m like a child that’s not being fed
I’m like a follower that’s not being led
I’m like a zombie that’s not even dead
I’m alieness
My goals never stop because I’m not afraid of success

A winning mind at any given time
Is a never ending mind that’s not afraid to climb
As I grow old in time but time doesn’t get older
I eventually get warm in time but times seem to get colder

How can I not fight when I’m not mentally strong?
And how can I be right when I’m meant to be wrong
How can I speak and not be spoken to
And how can I write and not be written to

Who I was and who I dream to be really don’t have any cooperation
Who I am and where I’m going that my only obligation
Pride is 1 of the reason I’m still liven
Respect is what I want but respect is not always given
All battles can’t be fought you got to pick and choose
And cant is not a word so don’t be so quick to loose

They put me in a class where the teacher don’t even teach
I try to extend my hand but its way out of their reach
Society tell us we aint nothing then digs you a hole
Put you 6 feet under and try to replenish your soul
Life is like a non stopping speeding train
So I’m going to be non stopping and see if you can feel my pain
Can we get some attention over here?
They talk about crime with a smile on the news
They talk about the streets but can’t walk a mile in my shoes
They try to explain the streets to people who don’t get it
They talk a good game but they really can’t live in it
They say we not failure’s but we was raised to fail
I wonder why you can’t find a good book in school but you can find 1 in jail

They don’t under stand why people hustle to eat
Cause they don’t get a good education in school so they wild out in the streets
Tranquility, inequality
Lock them all up and throw away the key
Look at our schools they badly in shape
Look at our streets where girls still getting rape
People getting tied with duck tape
Getting there head crush like rough grapes

We got kids sprung out on crack
Soldiers fighting in Iraq
The Klu Klux Klan refusing anything black
And we still don’t know how to act
Sending our young to a war to die
While Americans are dying cause are aids rate getting high
Start to think about the mothers on welfare
The fathers watching their kids die because don’t got no health care
One side rich the other side poor opposite like sand and a tree
But we don’t have nothing to worry about because we the land of the free.

Journal

2009-03-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

I grew up in downtown Baltimore off of New Jersey Ave, right in the ghetto, projects or whatever you wanna call it. I was one of the few white girls in my school. I started chillin with my gang friends when I was 9, going on 10. I learned how to shoot a gun when I was 7 and a half. Everyone I hung around was either in a gang, on drugs or on probation. There was few that wasn't. We'd sit on my doorstep hearing shootings, screams, cars squeaking, windows breaking, feet running. Then there's the shoot-bys, drive bys, and then there be the ones who get killed right in front of our faces. The first time I saw it I was terrified. I mean I was there a few hours, then there goes bang bang! But after you see it day in and day out, you get used to it. You know when to duck heads, the whole nine yards, whether it's in house or out house, playing b-ball, beating [people's butts], looking up at the new kids on the block saying, "What you lookin at?", going to school, having people jumped, seeing us come in to school going through medal detectors. Yeah, we did crimes but I never got caught with it. I mean, never and if I did, it was once when I was put on house arrest with an ankle bracelet that had a red light that blinked when you went too far outside. I could go as far as [name withheld] porch which was three houses down. I spent my days with him and everyone. I could go in the middle of the street but not across or it started to blink and my house arrest officer would be notified. I grew up in the projects, then I went to live with my aunt in Pasadena, MD, and I always made my way back there so she had enough and kicked me out and I had been kicked out of schools and they tried to enroll me in an alternative school but I was dealing drugs on the corner by the store and my dad drove by. He saw me and all he said was make my money and come home. Well, I got to go.

I Am Me

2009-03-18T06:44:00.000-07:00

I am here
I am visible
I am human
I am here

I was there
I was gone
I was invisible
I was lost

I listen
I speak
I see
I understand

I didn't comprehend
I didn't follow
I didn't have an open mind
I didn't have positivity

I will succeed
I will have a future
I will grow
I will be me

A Young Genuis

2009-03-16T06:20:00.000-07:00

A young genius
far from a sucker
but got a lot of feeling
a young genius
born ready
with no fear
a young genius
locked up
losing his mind
going crazy
a young genius
throwing away his talent
but is very smart
and he's going to get it together
so that makes him a young genius
nope
not a young genius

My Big Day

2009-03-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

My big day is almost here. They day I get my time. Sometimes I think like I wish I can go back in time and do it all over again. I know I would do the right thing but since I've been here for 4 months I learned everything happens for a reason. If I wouldn't have gotten locked up, I know I would be doing the same negative things. When I be in my cell sometimes I say to myself, "I need a break", but I feel that I'm turning my life around day by day. I'm about to get my GED and get a trade if I can, moreover get in any program I can so I can go home looking forward to something.

Some people look at me as a convicted felon but I don't mind that because I know God's the only one who can judge me so from this day on I'ma try to make every day better than the last.

Dangerous Mind

2009-03-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

Dangerous Mind
why do I have a
dangerous mind
all da time
it comes to my mind
to set a crime
but why
why me
it's scary
it's crazy

The Story About Me and My Brother

2009-03-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

When I was in a gang, I was doing bad things. Every day I was drinking and smoking weed with my brother. Sometimes me and my brother, we'd sleep at the park because we were so scared cause we were so high and when my dad saw us like that he always called the cops. When the cops were there in my house, me and my brother, we always jumped out the window to not get arrested cause I was on probation and the next day me and my brother and my friends went to rob the store to get money and buy weed and beer and food and we started to run cause he called the cops and one day one of another gang shot us and one of my friends died that day. Then me and my brother we started to change our lives and be good people and three days later my P.O. came to my house and she was telling me that one of my friends died and she told me if I was there then she was going to give me two years, but I told her I wasn't there. The next day I was arrested because one of the police found my weed on my pockets. Then three days later I realized I needed to change my life cause my girlfriend told me that I'm going to be a dad and I was so happy. Three months ago I was doing good and I wasn't doing any drugs or alcohol.

On Identity

2009-03-12T12:03:00.001-07:00

My identity would be the total opposite of what the police have in their computers next to my name. I say this because some of the things I do always have a cause. Me, I don't identify my self as a danger to others or to be armed all the time. I don't even see myself as a gang member. When I see myself I think of a positive mind and a caring person but certain things make me mad but I would never show it because the people would try to take advantage and let me mad all the time. I also care about other people's thoughts and what they say. But if I ever do anything wrong it's because I always have a reason or a personal purpose for doing things. I also enjoy reading and being outside all day. I love the sunset too for some weird reason.

An Obstacle I've Overcome

2009-03-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

An obstacle that I have struggled with to overcome in my life is when my godfather passed. This certain obstacle was very hard for me to get over because he was more like a father tome that I never had because he had been locked up/detained since I was two months old and wouldn't be home until I was about 14 years old, so my godfather was the only man influence I had. He helped me and my mother with so many things and I felt so close to him because he did such things was bring me, my sister, and my mother into his family, and his house was also another house for us to stay because me and my sister attended a private school that was close to his house from ours. It was also good because he and my mother worked there. She was a childcare teacher and he was a principal and also a middle school teacher. He made me feel like one of his because every where he went we was invited even if he was going out of town. he even traveled with us to New Jersey to see our family and then we would go up to New York to visit some of his relatives. When he died it was very hard for me and my family to get over when he died, which took us a long time to get over. He died when I was thirteen and at that time of my life that was something very hard for me to get over because I was so young. Me and my mother later took therapy to help us. But till this day it still bothers me a little.

A Success I've Achieved

2009-03-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

What I think about something successful that I have achieved is becoming a better leader and not to be easily manipulated. when I realized my success was when I realized some of the stuff I did was because of these reasons because back then I wasn't a leader. But once you achieve becoming a leader you figure out how easy followers do what you say so now that I'm older and wiser I could tell people or teach people that they could become better people if they just get the courage and the right mindset to do the right thing instead of just doing something to get other's respect. Now that I am a successful leader, I will try to make others achieve and gain the mindset of a leader.