Monster

Would you like it if the monster was calling your name every night, that he was so hard you can't take the pain? When he is going into the deepest, darkest place you can't say anything because it hurts and you are scared that he might kill you. You are a prisoner in his dungeon. He might take your mind in, use it under his control. What if that was you mans, your dad, you homeboy, or maybe your next door friend? Well let's say it's all of it. What can you do if they try to kill you then they come up with a plan and try to dominate you. Then you see the light and see a way out of all this mess and what if they say you can go and be free but then you think you're free because you hear this song? 1-2 they're coming for you. 3-4 they're coming through the door. 5-6. What's 5-6? There is no 5-6 because they did not let you go. That's the story of how the people you love can take the best of you. So if you've seen the monster, don't let them take you away, just walk away. But it might be hard because of what they might say. They might tell you that you are beautiful.

Always in Our Minds and Hearts

When I was 13 I was living with my dad. It was the beginning of the year; I was in the 7th grade. Then one night I was at home watching TV in the living room. It was 11:45, about to be midnight. I couldn't sleep for nothing that night. Then my phone was on the table and it started ringing. Somebody was calling me but I didn't know the number. The area code was from California. I picked it up and said hello. It was my older brother. He called me very upset and strange and he didn't sound the same when I heard his voice. Then he told me what happened. It was about my other older brother. He told me that he just got surgery and it went well. Then the doctor game him some medicine but that's when the doctor screwed up. He gave my brother the wrong medicine and the night he took it, he died and they found him dead on his bed. The police investigated and told us what happened. He was given the wrong medicine which caused this to happen to him. Every since that day me, my dad, my family, haven't been the same. A lot of things went downhill. I will alwayz remember the times he use to take care of me when I was a little baby and alwayz looked out for me and taught me a lot of things. When I was growing up he cared for me a lot. We had different moms but his mom loved me like her own son and never mistreated me. Also my brother. Sometimes I wonder why did God take him instead of me. He was a good student in the university at San Fransisco. He was a great person and he didn't deserve it. Me, my mom, stepmom, dad, my other two brothers, and my 2 older sisters will alwayz love him even if he's not here but he's alwayz in our minds and hearts no matter what.

Choices

Choices. OMG it's so hard to make the right choices at times. When I go home I plan to start my job and finish school and all but I know it's going to be hard for me to stay out of trouble. It's so irritating that some people think they know what's best for me or act like they want what's best for me but yet isn't there when I need them. Then they don't want me to be around people that I'm with most of the time but those are the ones who are there for me and yet they say they have my best interest but I think, "Ah well". I guess I kinda know it's best cause in the moment they're there contributing to what I'm doing or not doing anything to stop what's going on then at the end of the day try to judge someone. I despise fake people. I'd rather you keep it 100 with me even on my worst days. Don't make a promise you can't keep.

Mi Vida Loca

Hey my name is [withheld] but known as [withheld]. I'm only 16 years of age and incarcerated. Mi vida loca started at age eight, so young, huh? It's not that I never had mi familia around/on my side, it's not that I wanted to fit in and its not that nobody forced me to get in. As a lot of young people do, I chose to live tha crazy life and choose to go ma own way and do ma own stuff. I've been been locked up only twice. You might be saying, "Oh, wow, only twice?" Well yes only twice! Tha first time I got incarcerated it was for one month. In between and before I got house arrest so many times and this time I will complete 10 months of being incarcerated. Don't get me wrong, though, dem two times is not what made me change or made me want to change. And also don't get me wrong on this. I was first like you! I went through so many things in mi vida loca. I drank, I smoked, I did pills, I did so many things. I first told someone,"If you say you from duh streets like you say you are, why are you like this in here? If you say you from duh streets you know damn right that the attention you try to get in here you won't get it out there. Unless you doing crimes and all that woot woot. Ain't nobody on da crazy streets gonna care about yo emotions or feelings, you gotta be strong cause you won't survive out there like that." I realized that if you don't take yourself serious, ain't nobody and anybody gonna take you serious. You gotta be confident with yourself to move on, you got to believe in yo'self. I wasn't born to live tha crazy life, I was born to make a change in this world. But I always went wit what my mind told me instead of with my heart. I was born to help peoplz but if you think about it how would it be possible for me to help peoplz with their life or on something if they scared of you? You gotta make a difference in you. You gotta help yo'self B4 you can help anybody else. Remember you come first before anybody and everybody!

Court

I go to court tomorrow. I hope I get to go home. I have tried my best to be a good person to everyone. I also have been trying very hard to change my ways just so I can be a good person in society and to everyone who I knew. I don't wanna change my ways for somebody else. I wanna change because I won't be able to live a good life if I keep acting the way I did. When I get out of here I made plans for my life and to better myself. I want to finish school and I want to go to college and become a game designer.

Is There Any Mail Today?

Is there any mail today? I always ask the same question in the morning. Then I always get the same answer, “Cody I’m not sure” or “[Name] not at the moment”. I keep waiting for this letter that is for a fact on its way to me.

I continue to wonder what kind of news the letter will bring. While I wonder I often think “What do I really want to happen”? Then “what will be the best for my future”? If I am a soon to be father, should I be more happy than scared? Or should I be more scared than worried? Do I really think I can do this?

At night it makes me tremble, when I think of all the possibilities. I always thought “that won’t happen to me”. No! It was more like “that can’t happen to me”. I never thought of how serious having a child is. Let alone feeding it or providing a safe shelter. I’m still a child! I can’t even take care of myself.

I get so riled up when people decide to lie about being a parent. Acting like it is what proves you’re a man. That happens a lot in here too. If I haven’t mentioned yet, I am currently incarcerated. The worst part about my situation is the feeling that I cannot provide. I can’t even prepare. Since I am a juvenile I can’t even partake in a work leave setting.

I’ve already told both my parents about the possibility already. I’m just scared to tell my probation officer. I don’t want another charge. Can you get another charge for that? I don’t know but until I find out the truth I am going to keep my mouth shut. I’m just waiting for the mail to come. I always have thoughts, like maybe there’s a problem at the post office or something.

When I got the first letter that there is a possibility of me being the father I cried. I mean I literally sat up the whole night and cried. It was the only time I ever cried longer than my mother when my step-brother passed away. I usually cry when I am really mad but never out of sadness and confusion. I will be there for my child and the mother if she is pregnant. I still have the question, “Is it mines”. I’m so upset about not having a job. I feel like the stereotypical teenage parent. So, is there any mail today????????


Author's Note: Since I wrote this page back in the beginning of December it has come to my knowledge that she is not pregnant and that it was just food poisoning.

My Destiny

Sometimes I think I was born to be locked up, born to be in programs, born to be an addict. I think this because no matter how hard I try, I just can't quit getting into trouble. I’ve been through DHS, Girls Outreach, Aurora House, Vanguard, New Directions, and now New Beginnings; all the programs in Arlington, plus TAP, a program in Reston. I honestly don’t know why they keep putting me in these programs, because they’re obviously not helping. And all the drug treatment, it’s not gonna help either. Besides my mom, I was born into a family of addicts, and I guess that’s just how it was meant to be. I can't stop using, and I know I definitely won't stop using. Even though I want to stop, I'm pretty sure the way I’m going to die is by overdosing, having a really bad trip, or by the long term effects.

Why Do Teens Join Gangs?

Teens join gangs for protection. Teens join gangs at the age of 13 to 21. Gang members use these methods to get teens to join. These are the methods of peer pressure, offer protection, threaten safety of friends or family members, offer money for what appears to be simple activities. Some join gangs just because they have problems at home with their familys or just because they grow up around them. That’s why I join a gang; I grew up around them. I was 13 when I got jumped in to my gang. Now that I think about it it’s not worth it, all it leads you to is jail, the hospital, or dead. I can’t even walk out side my house with out watching my back. I can’t even go to a store with my mom with out watching my back because you never know who can come behind you and stab you or shoot you. I was only 7 years old when I saw my cousin get shot in the head. Am not ready to go through all that. Am not ready to see my mom cry because one of her sons got killed and I know that she is not ready to put me in a grave. That’s why when I get out I am ready to change. I am ready to start all over. That why don’t lose your self with gangs.

Bam Bam

I BEEN IN THIS PROGRAM FOR SIX MONTHS, IN THIS BUILDING FOR ABOUT TEN MONTHS. THE STAFF TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I WAS A WASTE OF SPACE, A WASTE OF SIX MONTHS. SAYING I’M EIGHTEEN, I'M THIS, THIS AND THAT. SAYING YOU GONNA GO LEAVE AND SMOKE THAT BLUNT, GO BACK TO THEM GANG BOI’S OF YOURS OR WHAT EVER YOU DO. EVERY TIME THEY SAY THIS AND THAT I FEEL LIKE RETAILIATING ON THEM. I FEEL LIKE LETTING “Bam Bam” COME BACK OUT AND DO ME. THEY DIDN’T GIVE ME THE NAME “Bam Bam” FOR NOTHING.

Dear Dr. King....

Dear Dr. King,

I really like what you was saying in your letter. I don't know about anyone else, but it made me think a lot. It made me think about why do black people kill and hurt other black people in many ways. The white people already did that to us. It still a lot that need to be done in society, there's too much violence all over dumb stuff. I paid a lot of attention when you said, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you." I really like that quote. I say that a lot of people need to read this letter and get an understanding of it. Maybe they will soon change after reading it a couple of times. If everybody reads this letter I honestly think that jail cells would be empty. I say that because maybe everybody would think twice about the bad things they did before they did it. This is why I really like and honor this "Letter from a Birmingham Jail".

Sincerely,
11th Grade Student

Purpose

I've always been curious about what my purpose is in life. What was I put on the earth to do? What was the reason God put me on this earth? This is a question that puzzles me or should I be dead or alive. The real question in life.

Hope

I hope I get something out of [this program]. I hope this program can help me cause I don't want to go through the same thing all over again. I want to stop getting locked up but I know that when I get out I am going to see the same people I was hanging out with and all I want is to stay away from them but not all cause I know that it's going to be hard but I am going to try to leave them behind.

Curiosity

I've always been curious about why people do certain things to try to fit in. While I've been here I've noticed that certain people change how they act on the outside because they don't want to feel left out; they don't want to be an outcast. I think they change because they want to feel some comfort while they are in here. I think that they should just be themselves instead of covering themselves with someone they aren't.

Same Old Cell

I sit here in this same old cell, same old jumper, same old food, same thing everyday, every week, every minute of every day. I can't smell the fresh air outside my window. I can't even see fully out of my window; all I see is a little crack out of my window every day at 2:30 PM. I feel like I'm getting locked into a five wall box everyday I go back into my room. Every 15 minutes they do a check like we some caged animal or something. We sit here being accused of this, this and that, being accused of provoking peers and bullying them is even worse. The way we feel when we we angry is a provocation; we can't do [stuff] because it's just another termination, another loss of knowledge. They say use your freedom of speech but when we do we get locked down another 24, 48, 72 in our room, another court report to the judge, to the PO, to everyone. Every time we go to court we think damn when am I gonna go home, when is it all gonna be over with? You scream to go home but you never see that day. You wonder when oh when will it arrive. You sit here for months, weeks, days, minutes for the day to come. You can't stop to think about it but you do. You can't stop to think what are you doing here, why do they still have them old charges on me? Why can't any of it all go away? I miss the smell of the coldness, the smell of winter. I miss the sight of snow, I miss the traffic in our lives outside these locked doors. I don't want no more locked doors. They put us in a box and then throw away the key and we in a box forever and ever and we can't get out but why? I just want out.

The Rev-Up

[Young man], do you know if you don't abide by the court commands, we will detain you in NVJDH until your next court date?

Yes, Your Honor.

OK, court is appointed for Jan. 16, 2010.

We leave and I go home to my mother. She high off PCP but in the city we call it "da water". So I stay there for a couple of days and one day she trippin for no reason. I came in the house on time too. She talkin 'bout don't come in her room for 30 minutes, stay in the living room for 30 minutes and listen to the radio. Now she don't got cable in the living room so I'm like could I go outside for 30 minutes? She say yeah.

I leave and I'm thinking, if she don't want me there I don't have to be there. So I go over to my mans in Fairfax, VA house and he say I can spend a night. For the past three days, we was making 40 dollars a night stealing GPSes and I was buying clothes and food. One day I'm sitting at my man's house and the UPS delivery man came and he got a box and a board. He say, "Are you Mr. [Name]?"

I'm like, "Yeah." I lied.

"Sign your name here please."

I did. He say thank you. Me and my mans go to his house and look in the box.

Its like eight iPhones in there.

I know where to take 'em to get money for them. So me and my man go to the bus stop, catch the 25B to Van Dorn Station and catch the train to Pentagon City Mall. We get $1600 for all of them. $200 each. We split it fifty fifty. Man I got $800. I'm like I'm about to ball. I bought Armani Xchange outfits.

My Girlfriend

My girlfriend Heaven and I love each other. I think that's the only person in the world in my life who really cares about me. You would think I would say my mom or my father, but in my period of time my mom don't care nothing about me and my father has 15 to 45 years in jail and he been in jail ever since I was born, so let's just say I'm having problems right now. Like I was saying, Heaven and her mom care about me. They were the only people that ever helped me when I was homeless so that's why I love and cherish Heaven and my mother-in-law. I say this because I wanna marry her and take care of my step-daughter.

My Dream

I was reading what she wrote today and it made me think in a way. Most of it is the same way people on the street look at me. But what really got me was when they told her, "I'm coming for you". So I was sittin there like it more people tryin to kill me or beat me then I can count on my hands. Am I scared to walk them streets? NO!! I just look for the dude tryin to bust his heat. I'm always saying I'm not going to end up like Tupac and Biddie but the way my life going, yeah, I run this city but I'ma be dead before 21. And I don't think I'll ever get to have my son, or have my family, my wife that I've never seen in my family. Yeah, that's my dream. I have people shooting at me cause I say, "Su woop gang, and if you ain't with it, then ya in the food chain." I've had friends get hit in the head just because he was at the wrong gas station in the wrong hood. Now all you see is people with a picture of him on their shirt on his birthday. People gettin RIP tattoos for him to show respect. I know you know how it is but can you feel my pain? My mans on the streets, I call him my brother. Damn why he had to do the murder? Now I look at him and he looks like he don't want to live anymore. I see his pain. I know his pain. He only 17 and about to do life. He got a baby girl, hope he knows she goin to be alright. Hope he knows I love him real "G". That's my brother. Is this my dream? NO! I wish we were all free. That's my dream. Amen!

Trying to Change

I can't focus on anything right now. I want some weed, some alcohol...anything to numb my frustration. I want to yell. Shout. Punch. Kick. I'm trying to change for the better but I just don't want to. I like smoking my lungs black, I like drinking. I like partying. I like being home. As long as I'm not hurting someone else, why do others care so much. Man [edited] Aurora House. I don't want to be helped, I barely love myself nowadays. All I did was steal some money. I wish they would've locked me up then sent me home. But noooo they want to get deep in my feelings and BS. I smoke because I have control and I like to get high. I drink because I like to have fun. I can wait until it's legal...fine, whatever but regardless I'm going to do what I want to do when I can. So like I said, [edited] Aurora House. I'd rather listen to my mom than some random [woman] that thinks they truly know "my type"...wtf is "my type"? I know who I am.

1. I'm bisexual
2. I'm a gang member
3. I'm black and Spanish (I don't tell anyone).

Letter to Maria Reyes (No. 4)

Dear Ms. Maria Reyes,

Yesterday when you told us about your speech about personal things that happen in your life it was dramatic, reality, and emotional. You are a strong woman because you have to live day and day out in a neighborhood that has nothing but violence and drugs, and on top of that you are a 3rd Generation Gang banger back in the day. The speech you gave us inspired me ever since I left the gym because I know things happen for a reason but I don’t want to be locked up anymore. I want a better future for myself. That same night I was thinking of what you said that your moms had to do 3 jobs just to pay the bills but also sometimes she even paid all of her rent and your pops was going in and out of prison. That hit me like a million bullets shooting through my body because I’m thankful that I have clothes behind my back and shelter for me to live in. But sometimes I wonder how it feels to be poor and banging on the streets because I gotten into so much trouble lately and I need a good punishment for my actions. I thank you for coming down to the detention center and telling us about your experience in life because when I get out of this joint I’m going to do the best I can to change my life cause I don’t want to be separated from my family and friends anymore. I wish you the best of luck and hope that your neighborhood changes for the next generation! But I got one question for you, if you would ever go back to the past to change anything what would it be and why? Be safe out there.


Sincerely,
Anonymous

Letter to Maria Reyes, Number 3

Dear Maria Reyes,

Well first of all I want to say thank you for taking some time off and coming to talk to all of us. Once again thank you for coming….

By the way my name is [Juan] , and I’m 17 years old, I’m from CALIFORNIA, SANTA ANA. I guess we have something in common don’t you think? We are both from the same state. Anyways, Maria I want to tell you somethings about my personal life, because I think that I’m living the same life that you lived a couple of years ago. My life at this point is kind of hard and pretty much I been struggling with it. I know life is a risk but some times it gets too risky, don’t you think? Well I been in my gang for five years, I was jumped in since I was eleven years old, since that point on I been in juvenile hall four times with this one…I been doing things that affect me and my family, and only because of the homeboys. Maria I been trying to get away from the gang, and from the homeboys and most of all from those temptations that get me in to a lot of trouble, but I can’t, and you should have and idea of how life is for gang members, don’t you? Once your in, there is only one way out, one is either death or do life in prison, but that is what the homeboys say when you get jumped in, I still remember those words. But I have a big feeling that there is another way out, but is to hard for me to realize what way is it going to be. I gotta admit that you were a tough girl to do what you did, knowing what could happen to you, and hey you did the rite thing... the day that you came to talk to all of us, you open up my eyes with those words that you said to us, your words got me thinking a lot and they made me realize the truth… I know that we are not different from each other, we are the same, except with one exception I’m a vato and you’re a woman, and if you changed your life around, that means that I can do it too, by doing the same thing that you did, and that’s by doing the ‘’Right Thing’’.

By the way Maria as I’m writing you this letter the class and I are watching the ‘’Freedom Writers Movie’’ and to be honest I love the movie a lot... it shows a lot of racism and how young people like us can change everything around if we work together.. I like the book too, but the first time I read it, it got me confused, but after I saw the movie, I understood everything that happen in the book... Well Maria this is all I want to say to you, and it was an honor to meet you, on the real I got happy to know that you were coming to talk to us, once again ‘’THANK YOU’’ and it was a pleasure to meet you… take care and keep your head up…

P.S… with love & respect, hopefully you write back:)