Lost in the System

Ever since I got in this hell hole about a week ago, I've been praying to get out. Mom thought I should stay in so I won't get in anymore trouble...I thought it was a straight idea so I prepared myself. This morning I woke up just knowing I was going to go to school tomorrow, at least that's what I prayed for. I'm not one of those youths who don't take advantage of the opportunities to go to school, I hate to miss it actually. And since I been in here I then already missed one week. Not good at all. So now I guess I'm going to get penalized for not going so I guess Ima have to deal with that. Plus I gotta wait until December 8th to go to court and I pray they let me out because I don't like being in here. Some of these people just love being locked up...not me. I'm better than that and when I get outta here Ima have to prove it. Just hope I don't get lost in the system.

Court

Right now I'm so focused on court that I'm practically killing myself. The things I once liked to do now have no meaning to me, like basketball or football. Before I got locked up, I was as fun as could be. I would play with friends, play videos games, joke around and be my usual immature way. Now after spending my birthday incarcerated I feel a heavy burden on my back. Let me explain my birthday. I woke at 6:30 as usual, washed up and cleaned my room, put my clothes on. 7:30 we ate lunch, I was excited to go to court, knowing I might go home on my birthday. The intake man took me from my unit and put me in a holding cell with my codefendant and we caught up, then I got into the police van, then they put me in a different holding cell. My codefendant, then my lawyer, said that this charge was so serious that I could get Juvenile Life in jail and that was shocking as my codefendant told his lawyer he wanted to go home and come back in about five minutes. Then it was my turn. My lawyer said, "Pick what you want to do, go home but it might not work or take responsibility and tell the judge you want to go back." At first I said, "Go home", but when it didn't work for my friend I changed my mind. I read my letter to the judge and it did work. Then my lawyer told her my decision, then she asked how did I want to plead? I said guilty because I knew I was and because I confessed, so as I was walking out, my family said, "Happy birthday!" and I said, "Thank you". After I got in the cell I started crying and that was the first time I cried since I was 12 and now I'm 15 so that was my birthday. Not great, not even good. And the judge's words still haven't left my mind: Don't get in trouble in the Detention Home at all because if I can't do right in here, I can't do right on the streets. And I got in trouble twice! I think I'm done but that's why I don't talk that much, because the 1 thing I don't want to do is go Downstate for Juvenile Life, because that's not an option but might be one for the judge.

Different

I've always wondered why I always was different than the usual black teenaged crowd. It gets me how everything I do is erratic. Sometimes I look into the morror and ask my self, "Who is this light- skinned young man looking at me?" But by the end of my question, I would remember that it's me and only I would do something so stupid. Sometimes I think that there's something wrong with me and that I need to get checked out for therapy but then I remember my talents and how unique they are and realize that I'm fine and normal. In my own way. Just an erratic sixteen year-old boy who doesn't need to fit in with the usual black teenaged crowd.

Molded

My community has molded me into the stereotype of black males. My community has hold me wrong was right and right is not the thing to do. My community embraces ignorance and sullied my intelligence. They attempted to help me become a menace but instead, I will choose to become a man. A man of knowledge and power and who tries to emerge from ignorance.