Journal

I grew up in downtown Baltimore off of New Jersey Ave, right in the ghetto, projects or whatever you wanna call it. I was one of the few white girls in my school. I started chillin with my gang friends when I was 9, going on 10. I learned how to shoot a gun when I was 7 and a half. Everyone I hung around was either in a gang, on drugs or on probation. There was few that wasn't. We'd sit on my doorstep hearing shootings, screams, cars squeaking, windows breaking, feet running. Then there's the shoot-bys, drive bys, and then there be the ones who get killed right in front of our faces. The first time I saw it I was terrified. I mean I was there a few hours, then there goes bang bang! But after you see it day in and day out, you get used to it. You know when to duck heads, the whole nine yards, whether it's in house or out house, playing b-ball, beating [people's butts], looking up at the new kids on the block saying, "What you lookin at?", going to school, having people jumped, seeing us come in to school going through medal detectors. Yeah, we did crimes but I never got caught with it. I mean, never and if I did, it was once when I was put on house arrest with an ankle bracelet that had a red light that blinked when you went too far outside. I could go as far as [name withheld] porch which was three houses down. I spent my days with him and everyone. I could go in the middle of the street but not across or it started to blink and my house arrest officer would be notified. I grew up in the projects, then I went to live with my aunt in Pasadena, MD, and I always made my way back there so she had enough and kicked me out and I had been kicked out of schools and they tried to enroll me in an alternative school but I was dealing drugs on the corner by the store and my dad drove by. He saw me and all he said was make my money and come home. Well, I got to go.

I Am Me

I am here
I am visible
I am human
I am here

I was there
I was gone
I was invisible
I was lost

I listen
I speak
I see
I understand

I didn't comprehend
I didn't follow
I didn't have an open mind
I didn't have positivity

I will succeed
I will have a future
I will grow
I will be me

A Young Genuis

A young genius
far from a sucker
but got a lot of feeling
a young genius
born ready
with no fear
a young genius
locked up
losing his mind
going crazy
a young genius
throwing away his talent
but is very smart
and he's going to get it together
so that makes him a young genius
nope
not a young genius

My Big Day

My big day is almost here. They day I get my time. Sometimes I think like I wish I can go back in time and do it all over again. I know I would do the right thing but since I've been here for 4 months I learned everything happens for a reason. If I wouldn't have gotten locked up, I know I would be doing the same negative things. When I be in my cell sometimes I say to myself, "I need a break", but I feel that I'm turning my life around day by day. I'm about to get my GED and get a trade if I can, moreover get in any program I can so I can go home looking forward to something.

Some people look at me as a convicted felon but I don't mind that because I know God's the only one who can judge me so from this day on I'ma try to make every day better than the last.

Dangerous Mind

Dangerous Mind
why do I have a
dangerous mind
all da time
it comes to my mind
to set a crime
but why
why me
it's scary
it's crazy

The Story About Me and My Brother

When I was in a gang, I was doing bad things. Every day I was drinking and smoking weed with my brother. Sometimes me and my brother, we'd sleep at the park because we were so scared cause we were so high and when my dad saw us like that he always called the cops. When the cops were there in my house, me and my brother, we always jumped out the window to not get arrested cause I was on probation and the next day me and my brother and my friends went to rob the store to get money and buy weed and beer and food and we started to run cause he called the cops and one day one of another gang shot us and one of my friends died that day. Then me and my brother we started to change our lives and be good people and three days later my P.O. came to my house and she was telling me that one of my friends died and she told me if I was there then she was going to give me two years, but I told her I wasn't there. The next day I was arrested because one of the police found my weed on my pockets. Then three days later I realized I needed to change my life cause my girlfriend told me that I'm going to be a dad and I was so happy. Three months ago I was doing good and I wasn't doing any drugs or alcohol.

On Identity

My identity would be the total opposite of what the police have in their computers next to my name. I say this because some of the things I do always have a cause. Me, I don't identify my self as a danger to others or to be armed all the time. I don't even see myself as a gang member. When I see myself I think of a positive mind and a caring person but certain things make me mad but I would never show it because the people would try to take advantage and let me mad all the time. I also care about other people's thoughts and what they say. But if I ever do anything wrong it's because I always have a reason or a personal purpose for doing things. I also enjoy reading and being outside all day. I love the sunset too for some weird reason.

An Obstacle I've Overcome

An obstacle that I have struggled with to overcome in my life is when my godfather passed. This certain obstacle was very hard for me to get over because he was more like a father tome that I never had because he had been locked up/detained since I was two months old and wouldn't be home until I was about 14 years old, so my godfather was the only man influence I had. He helped me and my mother with so many things and I felt so close to him because he did such things was bring me, my sister, and my mother into his family, and his house was also another house for us to stay because me and my sister attended a private school that was close to his house from ours. It was also good because he and my mother worked there. She was a childcare teacher and he was a principal and also a middle school teacher. He made me feel like one of his because every where he went we was invited even if he was going out of town. he even traveled with us to New Jersey to see our family and then we would go up to New York to visit some of his relatives. When he died it was very hard for me and my family to get over when he died, which took us a long time to get over. He died when I was thirteen and at that time of my life that was something very hard for me to get over because I was so young. Me and my mother later took therapy to help us. But till this day it still bothers me a little.

A Success I've Achieved

What I think about something successful that I have achieved is becoming a better leader and not to be easily manipulated. when I realized my success was when I realized some of the stuff I did was because of these reasons because back then I wasn't a leader. But once you achieve becoming a leader you figure out how easy followers do what you say so now that I'm older and wiser I could tell people or teach people that they could become better people if they just get the courage and the right mindset to do the right thing instead of just doing something to get other's respect. Now that I am a successful leader, I will try to make others achieve and gain the mindset of a leader.

My Role Model

My favorite person is my father. He's a perfect role model for an honest and hard working man. He's the type who enjoys renting a room from his own money than living in a mansion from stolen money.

He once told me he enjoys things he'd truly earned, not cheated. It makes him feel good. It also keeps his reputation clean. I have to admit I really like that. I'm not going to lie, so I'll say this: I'm not as honest as he is. I just like his views and his own encouragement to himself to keep on going as an honest man.

Also, he is a very smart man. When I was young, younger than I am now, when I used to look up to see my father's face, I asked a lot of questions. Probably more than any other kid. He always answered my questions with explanations. I don't remember him answering, "I don't know." to any of my questions. That was my mother though. She'd mostly say, "I don't know." Later I found out every question's answer is a common sense or a matter of reasoning. That's what he has taught me. that's how he always answers, and he's right all the time--he's just give the most reasonable answer or explanation.

At First

Man, at first I didn't want to listen to anyone, but now I see what everyone is talking about. Fighting, not going to school, 'n all that other bull**** is not where it's at and now I see that. I got 30 days but got to go to court 2 days before I get out and they might give fifteen to thirty more days. Well at least that's all I hope they give me. I got a baby that will be born in early May and I am not trying to be locked up for the birth of my first baby. When I get out I plan to get my [stuff] together and do what I got to do. First I plan to get all these programs done and then get a job, so I can have money to take care of my bills that I got with the courts. I miss my mom and all my girls in my world. I also miss all my goons. I know they thinking about me because all of them was mad when I told them what happened and I was getting locked up, but I hope for the best when I go to court and I love my family back at home.

Life Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be

I ain't really got much to say but I don't want to be here. Life is not all it's cracked up to be. I already know my mom don't care; she just want money so forget her. That's how I feel, like the girl I talk to and people on the street care more than she do. She could have taken me home yesterday but she said no. That made it all come to the clean air in the courthouse that she don't give a real care about me so when I get out I'm do me even harder than before like it's no tomorrow. Now I see I should have stayed with my dad and listened. But at all times I will always love my mom.

Missing Family

I've always wondered why my parents had to die the way they did, because I wanted them to live long enough that they'll see me graduate from middle school, high school and my college graduation. I wanted them to be there so every time I do something wrong they can correct me from doing that again. I wanted them to be here so I don't have to be in the situation I'm in now. I feel like I'm alone here in my family and like they're the ones to help me be successful in life, and that's why I always think why did my parents have to die the way they did.