A Game of Pain

life is like a game
a game that causes pain
two people taken away from me
in a couple of months
now I wonder who's going
to be next within the next couple
of months
my head is spinning I can't
think straight
it feels like I've been put in
a straight jacket and taken away
I'm out of my dreams wishing I
could go back
now I'm in reality facing my biggest fear
so hostile and vicious
but so silent you wouldn't know it's here
it doesn't discriminate
it doesn't even care if you just turned eight
it's killing faster and faster
its name is cancer

25 Years

I hear gun shot
I see gun shot
flicker on and off
in the middle of
battle I see my
future flicker on
and off in my
future I see myself
in jail behind
the bar 25 years
of pain and sorrow
but there is a chance
to change the outcome
in my future.

Energy

rest
doesn't mean sleep
sleep is just falling
down a steep hill
through a dark tunnel
to another reality
rest
is your mind in a blank
your body has no motion
not even breath
so I hope to never rest
just to sleep
just to fall into my other realities
and let them fall into mine
let all of me, my other me's
rest at the same moment
and grow into
a willow tree

Intelligent Beast

have you ever met an
intelligent beast
well now you have
that's why when I walk
the streets I don't wear a mask
but you know I keep the lama
don't smoke no camels
I'm with vandals that they minds is always
plotting scandals
lions tigers bears we never scared
we got arrows for sparrows
and you right we don't care
ya'll can't relate so ya'll be hatin
I'm patiently waitin for one
soul to make a sound
get em torched like Jason
why we like this they ask
look at our past they wouldn't
give it to us now we
chase after cash
and we get it and the devils hate it
so they want us confined
it's not a curse that we curse
we losing our mind
this is from someone who
would know and I also
have a witness to
keep food on the table
they sold to them switches
welfare doesn't buy shoes
but money does
and the true money
for us on the streets it was
and our true thugs and dead
soldiers we reminisce
about the days way back
when there was such things
as friends over time
our heart become ire so
we don't make amends
we been tortured so much
we torture other men
it seems no one wants to help us
so we rob each other
just because he was only half blood
I seen someone rob his brother
stole from his mother
then split it with his stepfather
so later on he could get on
with his pops step-daughter
this game is so cruel you trust no
man I don't care if the
president said something I wouldn't
trust him this is smart if you
wanna live and later on
eat take these dark words
from an intelligent beast

Monster

Would you like it if the monster was calling your name every night, that he was so hard you can't take the pain? When he is going into the deepest, darkest place you can't say anything because it hurts and you are scared that he might kill you. You are a prisoner in his dungeon. He might take your mind in, use it under his control. What if that was you mans, your dad, you homeboy, or maybe your next door friend? Well let's say it's all of it. What can you do if they try to kill you then they come up with a plan and try to dominate you. Then you see the light and see a way out of all this mess and what if they say you can go and be free but then you think you're free because you hear this song? 1-2 they're coming for you. 3-4 they're coming through the door. 5-6. What's 5-6? There is no 5-6 because they did not let you go. That's the story of how the people you love can take the best of you. So if you've seen the monster, don't let them take you away, just walk away. But it might be hard because of what they might say. They might tell you that you are beautiful.

Always in Our Minds and Hearts

When I was 13 I was living with my dad. It was the beginning of the year; I was in the 7th grade. Then one night I was at home watching TV in the living room. It was 11:45, about to be midnight. I couldn't sleep for nothing that night. Then my phone was on the table and it started ringing. Somebody was calling me but I didn't know the number. The area code was from California. I picked it up and said hello. It was my older brother. He called me very upset and strange and he didn't sound the same when I heard his voice. Then he told me what happened. It was about my other older brother. He told me that he just got surgery and it went well. Then the doctor game him some medicine but that's when the doctor screwed up. He gave my brother the wrong medicine and the night he took it, he died and they found him dead on his bed. The police investigated and told us what happened. He was given the wrong medicine which caused this to happen to him. Every since that day me, my dad, my family, haven't been the same. A lot of things went downhill. I will alwayz remember the times he use to take care of me when I was a little baby and alwayz looked out for me and taught me a lot of things. When I was growing up he cared for me a lot. We had different moms but his mom loved me like her own son and never mistreated me. Also my brother. Sometimes I wonder why did God take him instead of me. He was a good student in the university at San Fransisco. He was a great person and he didn't deserve it. Me, my mom, stepmom, dad, my other two brothers, and my 2 older sisters will alwayz love him even if he's not here but he's alwayz in our minds and hearts no matter what.

Choices

Choices. OMG it's so hard to make the right choices at times. When I go home I plan to start my job and finish school and all but I know it's going to be hard for me to stay out of trouble. It's so irritating that some people think they know what's best for me or act like they want what's best for me but yet isn't there when I need them. Then they don't want me to be around people that I'm with most of the time but those are the ones who are there for me and yet they say they have my best interest but I think, "Ah well". I guess I kinda know it's best cause in the moment they're there contributing to what I'm doing or not doing anything to stop what's going on then at the end of the day try to judge someone. I despise fake people. I'd rather you keep it 100 with me even on my worst days. Don't make a promise you can't keep.

Mi Vida Loca

Hey my name is [withheld] but known as [withheld]. I'm only 16 years of age and incarcerated. Mi vida loca started at age eight, so young, huh? It's not that I never had mi familia around/on my side, it's not that I wanted to fit in and its not that nobody forced me to get in. As a lot of young people do, I chose to live tha crazy life and choose to go ma own way and do ma own stuff. I've been been locked up only twice. You might be saying, "Oh, wow, only twice?" Well yes only twice! Tha first time I got incarcerated it was for one month. In between and before I got house arrest so many times and this time I will complete 10 months of being incarcerated. Don't get me wrong, though, dem two times is not what made me change or made me want to change. And also don't get me wrong on this. I was first like you! I went through so many things in mi vida loca. I drank, I smoked, I did pills, I did so many things. I first told someone,"If you say you from duh streets like you say you are, why are you like this in here? If you say you from duh streets you know damn right that the attention you try to get in here you won't get it out there. Unless you doing crimes and all that woot woot. Ain't nobody on da crazy streets gonna care about yo emotions or feelings, you gotta be strong cause you won't survive out there like that." I realized that if you don't take yourself serious, ain't nobody and anybody gonna take you serious. You gotta be confident with yourself to move on, you got to believe in yo'self. I wasn't born to live tha crazy life, I was born to make a change in this world. But I always went wit what my mind told me instead of with my heart. I was born to help peoplz but if you think about it how would it be possible for me to help peoplz with their life or on something if they scared of you? You gotta make a difference in you. You gotta help yo'self B4 you can help anybody else. Remember you come first before anybody and everybody!

Court

I go to court tomorrow. I hope I get to go home. I have tried my best to be a good person to everyone. I also have been trying very hard to change my ways just so I can be a good person in society and to everyone who I knew. I don't wanna change my ways for somebody else. I wanna change because I won't be able to live a good life if I keep acting the way I did. When I get out of here I made plans for my life and to better myself. I want to finish school and I want to go to college and become a game designer.

The Second Time

I'm thinking about a person in my mind
for the second time
while doing a crime
Drinking that Corona and lime.
I'm here in NVJDH
God help, Jesus Grace
Please let me get out of here and let me free
I promise you one thing, I'll stop smoking that tree
Lord please
I'm locked up like a dumb beast
I think the mistakes are unchangble
and now ima start holding myself accountable.

Is There Any Mail Today?

Is there any mail today? I always ask the same question in the morning. Then I always get the same answer, “Cody I’m not sure” or “[Name] not at the moment”. I keep waiting for this letter that is for a fact on its way to me.

I continue to wonder what kind of news the letter will bring. While I wonder I often think “What do I really want to happen”? Then “what will be the best for my future”? If I am a soon to be father, should I be more happy than scared? Or should I be more scared than worried? Do I really think I can do this?

At night it makes me tremble, when I think of all the possibilities. I always thought “that won’t happen to me”. No! It was more like “that can’t happen to me”. I never thought of how serious having a child is. Let alone feeding it or providing a safe shelter. I’m still a child! I can’t even take care of myself.

I get so riled up when people decide to lie about being a parent. Acting like it is what proves you’re a man. That happens a lot in here too. If I haven’t mentioned yet, I am currently incarcerated. The worst part about my situation is the feeling that I cannot provide. I can’t even prepare. Since I am a juvenile I can’t even partake in a work leave setting.

I’ve already told both my parents about the possibility already. I’m just scared to tell my probation officer. I don’t want another charge. Can you get another charge for that? I don’t know but until I find out the truth I am going to keep my mouth shut. I’m just waiting for the mail to come. I always have thoughts, like maybe there’s a problem at the post office or something.

When I got the first letter that there is a possibility of me being the father I cried. I mean I literally sat up the whole night and cried. It was the only time I ever cried longer than my mother when my step-brother passed away. I usually cry when I am really mad but never out of sadness and confusion. I will be there for my child and the mother if she is pregnant. I still have the question, “Is it mines”. I’m so upset about not having a job. I feel like the stereotypical teenage parent. So, is there any mail today????????


Author's Note: Since I wrote this page back in the beginning of December it has come to my knowledge that she is not pregnant and that it was just food poisoning.

No One Knows

No one knows how it is to walk in my shoes.
No one knows how much pain I go through.
No one knows why I do the things I do.
No one knows why I don’t like you.
Is it because I don’t know you.
Is it because the colors you wear.
Is it because the way you look.
Is it because your race or religion.
Is it because the way you live.
I just don’t like you because that’s the way
I feel about you.

My Destiny

Sometimes I think I was born to be locked up, born to be in programs, born to be an addict. I think this because no matter how hard I try, I just can't quit getting into trouble. I’ve been through DHS, Girls Outreach, Aurora House, Vanguard, New Directions, and now New Beginnings; all the programs in Arlington, plus TAP, a program in Reston. I honestly don’t know why they keep putting me in these programs, because they’re obviously not helping. And all the drug treatment, it’s not gonna help either. Besides my mom, I was born into a family of addicts, and I guess that’s just how it was meant to be. I can't stop using, and I know I definitely won't stop using. Even though I want to stop, I'm pretty sure the way I’m going to die is by overdosing, having a really bad trip, or by the long term effects.

She

She is the woman who gave birth to me.
She was, at the moment, still sixteen.
She resumed school and earned a college degree.
She struggled to be stable financially.

She’s a nurse who worked from here to there;
Leaving my little sister and me to Grandma’s care.
She worked abroad, worked everywhere.
She mailed money to us and thought it was fair.

Washington, DC, was her final destination;
Working for two years and announced a declaration.
She wanted my sister and me to move to another nation.
As naïve as I was, I was expecting perfection.

September 3, 2006, is a significant date.
I had an opportunity for my life to recreate.
Sadly, it turned out to be something I’d hate.
I am appalled that I was misled by my fate.

My mother is whom I blamed for my downfall.
She is whom I hit back and made the 911 call.
I was a prisoner of this wall and that wall.
Tears were shed at night but around her, I refused to bawl.

Three months later, from foster home, I ran away.
I was a homeless person with nowhere to stay.
Each day I asked myself, “Would I make it out alive today?”
“If I won’t, please protect my family, God,” I would pray.

Halloween, Christmas, my birthday, blizzards, Valentine’s.
I was starving while families were out to dine.
I asked God and He gave it to me: a sign.
A couple of hours later, it was time.

She opened the door and tears streamed down her face.
I thought she would slap me but that wasn’t the case.
She was beyond comprehending, I was beyond amazed.
This mother-daughter team is back in the race.

She apologized to me and to her, so did I.
We talked with ease and an emotion I could not recognize.
Like your body is free from tension without exercise.
Like a hideous individual with no need for disguise.

The court system determined I’m to be locked up until November.
I wonder, how drastically would my life change after?
I concluded I’ll survive because there’s support from my mother.
She assured me that in the end, all will be better.

She was my age when she had a baby.
Did she predict how that baby girl would turn out to be?
I’m blessed she didn’t entirely lose hope on me.
You’re irreplaceable. I’m proud to call you, “Mommy.”

Why Do Teens Join Gangs?

Teens join gangs for protection. Teens join gangs at the age of 13 to 21. Gang members use these methods to get teens to join. These are the methods of peer pressure, offer protection, threaten safety of friends or family members, offer money for what appears to be simple activities. Some join gangs just because they have problems at home with their familys or just because they grow up around them. That’s why I join a gang; I grew up around them. I was 13 when I got jumped in to my gang. Now that I think about it it’s not worth it, all it leads you to is jail, the hospital, or dead. I can’t even walk out side my house with out watching my back. I can’t even go to a store with my mom with out watching my back because you never know who can come behind you and stab you or shoot you. I was only 7 years old when I saw my cousin get shot in the head. Am not ready to go through all that. Am not ready to see my mom cry because one of her sons got killed and I know that she is not ready to put me in a grave. That’s why when I get out I am ready to change. I am ready to start all over. That why don’t lose your self with gangs.

Bam Bam

I BEEN IN THIS PROGRAM FOR SIX MONTHS, IN THIS BUILDING FOR ABOUT TEN MONTHS. THE STAFF TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT I WAS A WASTE OF SPACE, A WASTE OF SIX MONTHS. SAYING I’M EIGHTEEN, I'M THIS, THIS AND THAT. SAYING YOU GONNA GO LEAVE AND SMOKE THAT BLUNT, GO BACK TO THEM GANG BOI’S OF YOURS OR WHAT EVER YOU DO. EVERY TIME THEY SAY THIS AND THAT I FEEL LIKE RETAILIATING ON THEM. I FEEL LIKE LETTING “Bam Bam” COME BACK OUT AND DO ME. THEY DIDN’T GIVE ME THE NAME “Bam Bam” FOR NOTHING.

Dear Dr. King....

Dear Dr. King,

I really like what you was saying in your letter. I don't know about anyone else, but it made me think a lot. It made me think about why do black people kill and hurt other black people in many ways. The white people already did that to us. It still a lot that need to be done in society, there's too much violence all over dumb stuff. I paid a lot of attention when you said, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you." I really like that quote. I say that a lot of people need to read this letter and get an understanding of it. Maybe they will soon change after reading it a couple of times. If everybody reads this letter I honestly think that jail cells would be empty. I say that because maybe everybody would think twice about the bad things they did before they did it. This is why I really like and honor this "Letter from a Birmingham Jail".

Sincerely,
11th Grade Student

Purpose

I've always been curious about what my purpose is in life. What was I put on the earth to do? What was the reason God put me on this earth? This is a question that puzzles me or should I be dead or alive. The real question in life.

Seven Candles

One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven
Seven candles burning and smoking;
Lit seven candles flames of doubt, fear,
Sorrow, pian, waste, hopelessness, despair

They turn my insides with black soot and ash,
There is something at the back of my eyes,
A pressure building, building, building

Hot like flames of seven candles, which
No amount of breath can extinguish

One, Two, three, Four, Five, Six, Seven
The fire spreads
The fire run through my veins
Why can’t I just escape these flames of these?
Candles or is it just. PAIN

Hope

I hope I get something out of [this program]. I hope this program can help me cause I don't want to go through the same thing all over again. I want to stop getting locked up but I know that when I get out I am going to see the same people I was hanging out with and all I want is to stay away from them but not all cause I know that it's going to be hard but I am going to try to leave them behind.

Curiosity

I've always been curious about why people do certain things to try to fit in. While I've been here I've noticed that certain people change how they act on the outside because they don't want to feel left out; they don't want to be an outcast. I think they change because they want to feel some comfort while they are in here. I think that they should just be themselves instead of covering themselves with someone they aren't.

I am from....

I am from Washington, D.C.
I am from a neighborhood that looks for no beef.
I am from a family that care.
I am from a mother that raised her son from a young boy to an older man.
I am from a family that have respect, peace, value, tolerance, perseverance.
I am from a family that supplies they child whatever he/she needs/wants.
I am from the man that put us on Earth, Jesus Christ.
I am from a school that really wants the scholars to be successful, Cesar Chavez School.
I am from a mother that wants her son to change for the good not just for the bad.
I am from a neighborhood that people don't pull them up but pull them down.
I am from a place that I call home that every one have something to live for or have goals.
I am from a neighborhood that everybody is an enemy or targets.
I am from where everyone robs and steals.
And first and foremost I am a person that has goals in life and am willing to change.
I am from a group of friends that robbed people, steal things and carjack people.

Same Old Cell

I sit here in this same old cell, same old jumper, same old food, same thing everyday, every week, every minute of every day. I can't smell the fresh air outside my window. I can't even see fully out of my window; all I see is a little crack out of my window every day at 2:30 PM. I feel like I'm getting locked into a five wall box everyday I go back into my room. Every 15 minutes they do a check like we some caged animal or something. We sit here being accused of this, this and that, being accused of provoking peers and bullying them is even worse. The way we feel when we we angry is a provocation; we can't do [stuff] because it's just another termination, another loss of knowledge. They say use your freedom of speech but when we do we get locked down another 24, 48, 72 in our room, another court report to the judge, to the PO, to everyone. Every time we go to court we think damn when am I gonna go home, when is it all gonna be over with? You scream to go home but you never see that day. You wonder when oh when will it arrive. You sit here for months, weeks, days, minutes for the day to come. You can't stop to think about it but you do. You can't stop to think what are you doing here, why do they still have them old charges on me? Why can't any of it all go away? I miss the smell of the coldness, the smell of winter. I miss the sight of snow, I miss the traffic in our lives outside these locked doors. I don't want no more locked doors. They put us in a box and then throw away the key and we in a box forever and ever and we can't get out but why? I just want out.

The Rev-Up

[Young man], do you know if you don't abide by the court commands, we will detain you in NVJDH until your next court date?

Yes, Your Honor.

OK, court is appointed for Jan. 16, 2010.

We leave and I go home to my mother. She high off PCP but in the city we call it "da water". So I stay there for a couple of days and one day she trippin for no reason. I came in the house on time too. She talkin 'bout don't come in her room for 30 minutes, stay in the living room for 30 minutes and listen to the radio. Now she don't got cable in the living room so I'm like could I go outside for 30 minutes? She say yeah.

I leave and I'm thinking, if she don't want me there I don't have to be there. So I go over to my mans in Fairfax, VA house and he say I can spend a night. For the past three days, we was making 40 dollars a night stealing GPSes and I was buying clothes and food. One day I'm sitting at my man's house and the UPS delivery man came and he got a box and a board. He say, "Are you Mr. [Name]?"

I'm like, "Yeah." I lied.

"Sign your name here please."

I did. He say thank you. Me and my mans go to his house and look in the box.

Its like eight iPhones in there.

I know where to take 'em to get money for them. So me and my man go to the bus stop, catch the 25B to Van Dorn Station and catch the train to Pentagon City Mall. We get $1600 for all of them. $200 each. We split it fifty fifty. Man I got $800. I'm like I'm about to ball. I bought Armani Xchange outfits.

Shouts as Loud as Broken Hearts

I am from shouts
as loud as broken hearts
all the way to nosebleed drips
from fights that I picked cause of poison I sipped
I am only from the Dark
I am from tears from loved ones' souls

I am from Black and Blue
that i can't see with eyes
swollen shut
and please remember I am
only from the Dark

The Darkness don't cloud my eyes
the mist of Day clouds the Darkness
and on April 30 I was never born
but on the 30th Mom's heart was torn
and as I ripped through the dark to the
light
the mature baby cried cause it was too bright
4 pounds 1 ounce
I was a gift from...
from nothing but the reaper
I was dead as soon as I was born
but I'm here or gone
and as I try and find someone to
confide in
it seems my own mind is the only thing I
can find and
your mind is a dangerous place to be locked
in
my body ain't in the real jail
my thoughts is
I ask for the key
no one wants to hear it
and it's not my fault I don't have
the time to have the time
and Mr. Defeat I can't see
you but I feel you in my pocket
get your hands out my pocket
I was born gone
I'm trapped let me out
I'm done

My Girlfriend

My girlfriend Heaven and I love each other. I think that's the only person in the world in my life who really cares about me. You would think I would say my mom or my father, but in my period of time my mom don't care nothing about me and my father has 15 to 45 years in jail and he been in jail ever since I was born, so let's just say I'm having problems right now. Like I was saying, Heaven and her mom care about me. They were the only people that ever helped me when I was homeless so that's why I love and cherish Heaven and my mother-in-law. I say this because I wanna marry her and take care of my step-daughter.

Cell Walls

In NVJDH these walls are tall
in my mind these walls can fall
they can lock my body but can't lock my mind
like a diamond in the dirt, I'm still gonna shine
he thought he hurt me by giving me time
little do they know I'm still gonna rise
apart from being a soldier
includes late night cries
something I do to release this stress
is create these rhymes
I'm only one person
how much could I take
going to court thinking I'm going home
instead I get baked
In NVJDH these walls are tall
in my mind these walls can fall

My Dream

I was reading what she wrote today and it made me think in a way. Most of it is the same way people on the street look at me. But what really got me was when they told her, "I'm coming for you". So I was sittin there like it more people tryin to kill me or beat me then I can count on my hands. Am I scared to walk them streets? NO!! I just look for the dude tryin to bust his heat. I'm always saying I'm not going to end up like Tupac and Biddie but the way my life going, yeah, I run this city but I'ma be dead before 21. And I don't think I'll ever get to have my son, or have my family, my wife that I've never seen in my family. Yeah, that's my dream. I have people shooting at me cause I say, "Su woop gang, and if you ain't with it, then ya in the food chain." I've had friends get hit in the head just because he was at the wrong gas station in the wrong hood. Now all you see is people with a picture of him on their shirt on his birthday. People gettin RIP tattoos for him to show respect. I know you know how it is but can you feel my pain? My mans on the streets, I call him my brother. Damn why he had to do the murder? Now I look at him and he looks like he don't want to live anymore. I see his pain. I know his pain. He only 17 and about to do life. He got a baby girl, hope he knows she goin to be alright. Hope he knows I love him real "G". That's my brother. Is this my dream? NO! I wish we were all free. That's my dream. Amen!